The Outlander Memorial Thread

Another Actual* Conversation,

Interrogating a Dog

Outlander: Slow, I’m going to waterboard a dog
Slowhand: DO NOT WATERBOARD THAT DOG
Livestock: I’M GOING TO WATERBOARD A DOG,SLOW
Slowhand: Don’t!!
Outlander: Slow, THE TOWEL IS OVER THE DOG’S HEAD! I’VE GOT HIS WATER BOWL
Slowhand: OUTLANDER… STOP! STOP WATERBOARDING THAT DOG
Outlander: I AM POURING THE WATER BOWL ON THE DOG’S HEAD
Slowhand: STOP IT RIGHT NOW
Outlander: SLOW, HE IS REVEALING SECRETS
Livestock: BONES BURIED… IN THE…BACKYARD
Livestock: GUILTY!HE IS GUILTY
Slowhand: NO OUTLANDER
Outlander: Slow, justice is served
Slowhand: you are going to jail for this
Outlander: I am using advanced interrogation techniques on an otter
Slowhand: Outlander, what kind of techniques…do you mean TORTURE?
Outlander: I am simply going to electrocute it slowly
Slowhand: NO OUTLANDER,DO NOT ELECTROCUTE THAT OTTER
Outlander: IT IS FOR AMERICA!!
Slowhand: NO ! NOooooo…
Outlander: justice is served
Slowhand: you’re a fool

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I’m very glad you’re back. :kiss:

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Things Are Looking Up For Me Now That I Have This Chainsaw

Honestly, I don’t know how I got by without this chainsaw. Now that the throaty purr of a two-stroke engine spinning seventy inches of diamond-sharpened chain has become my solution to every problem in my day-to-day routine, my life has drastically improved.

For instance, I’m enjoying a romantic dinner with teh waifu. I’m in my tux, she’s in one of those playboy bunny outfits. Things are going well. When I pull a chair out for her, she notices that my muscles are only exerting half their potential power and swoons. I make her laugh deeply with my captivating tales of instant messaging with Tommy Two Tacos. The boat oars, traffic signs, and whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant’s walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming.

Then, the unthinkable.

Our waiter brings me a Shirley Temple after I specifically asked for a Roy Rogers. I politely point out his mistake, and he responds in a rude manner, sullying my honor in front of a lady. This cannot stand.

I lean over and remove the chainsaw from its carrying case below my chair. Our waiter backs off nervously, looking back over his shoulder. There, by the entrance to the kitchen is his own chainsaw. It is an inferior make and model. Knowing he has been outclassed, he tells us that our drinks are on the house.

Game, set, match.

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Dear Flurge Body Foam,

As a new user of your product, I have to say I am very displeased and currently writing to inform you of this fact. Because the Rite-Aid was out of my regular soap, I decided to pick up a tube of your Cool Ranch-scented body foam, as my wife and I regularly enjoy your prime-time commercials during Dancing With the Stars. Our favorite is the one with the two golfers, where the one golfer smells the other golfer and asks him “Did you wash with Flurge Body Foam today?” Following this, a herd of attractive women suddenly appears on the neatly-manicured fairway and roughs up the one golfer sexually. Then the announcer man says, “Flurge: get Flurged” and the commercial ends.

Yes, we all had a chuckle at these antics. But when a very similar herd of girls appeared this morning and surrounded my car, I failed to see the humor of this event. These girls, while attractive, could not be reasoned with. I sat terrified in my Geo for nearly two and a half hours while they pressed all manner of body parts against the windshield. I was finally able to distract them by honking my horn for two solid minutes, and while they dispersed, it seems like they have not gone far.

Gentlemen, I am a pillar of my community and the owner of several successful hardware stores. While your product does work as advertised, the side effects are highly distracting and I demand to be refunded my $3.85 in full. I hope you will respect my wishes as a fellow businessman.

Yours,

Outlander


Dear Outlander,

We are sorry to hear about your issues with Flurge Body Foam: Cool Ranch Special Edition. We at United Chemical Industries, Inc. are sincerely sorry for your discomfort. Enclosed you will find three free samples of our new Flurge Zesty Taco Hair Cream.

Have a great day, and remember to Get Flurged!

Sincerely,
Consumer Response-Bot #4455878

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NEWS FROM OUTLANDER’S INSTITUTE OF ANIME SCIENCE

  • Time travel is indeed possible. The method: Think about that Superman movie, the part where he flies around the world backwards until time rewinds. Boom. That reference is more than twenty years old. Welcome to the past, asshole.

  • String Theory was totally wrong. There’s no such thing as string.

  • We all know that if you place tin foil in a microwave, it will erupt in a shower of sparks. If, however, you wrap a microwave in several layers of tin foil, it will be pretty much impossible to work the buttons.

  • There is an afterlife. It is rectangular. There’s an olympic-sized swimming pool, and not much else. The only seating comes in the form of backless stools that are just a little too tall with footrests that are just out of reach. The music is every Billy Joel song that you found tolerable, but never admitted to enjoying.

  • The last digit of pi isn’t actually a number, but one of those little infinity loop things.

  • In a battle of the wits, Batman would defeat Einstein. The advantage would go to Einstein in the early rounds, but Batman would outsmart him with a devastating punch to the throat.

  • The briefcase in Pulp Fiction? Full of orange juice. The awed expressions were reactions to the fact that it hadn’t leaked.

  • Scientifically speaking, the best baked good is the funnel cake.

  • About the origin of the universe - the Big Bang theory was right, up to a point. The massive explosion of all known matter scared the bejeezus out of a dinosaur, causing him to drop a beaker full of DNA, which in turn created the first single-celled organisms. Life always finds a way.

  • Lee Harvey Oswald did it. By “it” I mean “picked the worst possible day to take a break, walk to the sixth floor of the book depository, and fire a rifle four times out the window with his eyes closed”.

  • There has been a lot of debate about what constitutes art. Now we have conclusive proof. Art is any movie that has been seen by ten million people or more on the opening weekend. Nothing else is art.

  • Electricity isn’t exactly what we thought it was. Turns out, it’s a harmless mineral that goes by the name of Sammy. Everyone that died of electrocution? Hypochondria.

  • Since we first discovered them, black holes have fascinated us. What the heck are they? Why are they so loud? Can’t someone go tell them to keep it down? What do they taste like? Do you think he was looking at me? Do you think he likes me? We switched bodies? And we’re identical twins? What sort of hijinx will result from our unlikely situation?

  • Science says: Just as black isn’t the opposite of white, but the absence of it, black holes are the absence of other holes such as the one that encompasses the observable universe.

  • Parallel universes do, in fact, exist. In them, parking is way harder.

  • There have been more than a few questions surrounding the lowly quark. After analyzing the data, the Large Hadron Collider has revealed that “quark” is kind of a funny name. Case closed.

  • It is absolutely possible to travel faster than the speed of light, just not at your weight. Do some pushups and we’ll talk.

  • The disbelievers were right about global warming. It is just a theory, and it is way more fun to fantasize about people in ivory towers trying to control your life than it is to conserve.

  • Although we have long understood the importance of the human brain (since a Greek medicinal pioneer cut off his own head and observed that he couldn’t move around in quite the same way), we really had no clue how it all worked or what it was capable of.

  • According to these LHC results, the brain is essentially a second appendix. It’s capable of bursting at any time.

  • Ghosts are real, just not human ones.

  • When someone on one of those ghost hunting shows asks for a spirit to reveal itself and in return they hear tapping, it is a dead horse. A smart one, the kind that stamps its hoof when you give it a math problem. When the ghost hunter asks for something to move in front of their handheld scanning device and the thing lights up, it’s because the spirit of an electric eel passes by. When you sleep, the a ghost tarantula vomits in your mouth.

  • Why do so many strange things happen in the Bermuda Triangle? Because it’s actually a square. People keep misjudging its borders so just when they think they’re safe - poof - they vanish.

  • Given the number of long-standing questions that have finally been answered by the Large Hadron Collider, it will take some time for the scientific community to take all of this in and re-evaluate their wasted lives. With any luck, they should be ready for more next year when the LHC plans to double the collision energy that was used this week. As I learned in high school, double the energy equals almost ten times the output.

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[size=16]Outlander: A Report[/size]

[quote=“outlander”]
Outlander: Mild Mannered and Responsible or Disturbed menace to Society?

Actual things I witnessed about Outlander.

I swear I’m not making this up! Seriously, this is for real. I’m telling you this is 100% legit. You gotta believe me, mister.[/quote]
Originally posted: May 1, 2009 @ 12:09am

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4/28/09: Crazy Outlander was riding horseback at the dog park. He was spearing dogs with a trident, much to the horror of onlookers. So brash and unrepentant, he took great pleasure in the pain he inflicted. I begrudge that man’s remarkable evil.

04/29/09 (12:00am): Was minding my own business doing some shopping in the mall when Outlander approached me and started demanding I pay him $30 for a foot massage. I said I didn’t want one but then he threatened my family. The nerve of that man. His hands were like robot claws.

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4/29/09: Saw him buying a hot dog in downtown. Asked him how he liked his dogs and he said “with sulfur.” Dude had a little sandwich baggy full of the stuff and just poured it all over his hot dog. Smelled like rotting eggs.

Ran into Outlander outside at a gas station. He took one look at me and his eyes lit up real big like He just saw a ghost made out of gold. Within seconds he was offering me 25 big ones for a kidney. I couldn’t refuse. Woke up a few hours later in a bathtub full of ice in an abandoned warehouse. Still waiting for the money, but I’m sure it’s coming.

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04/30/09: Darn you, Outlander! Saw that son of a gun uprootin’ turnips in my field again. Knowing his thieving ways, I grabbed my shotgun and gave chase. Spirit abounds in the boy’s heart and legs, so free and unrestrained. I can’t ever catch him!

05/01/09: Spotted Outlander at a certain posh restaurant. He had a peculiar habit of eating with his hands – no utensils. He just smashed up his food and shoveled it into his mouth like a beast. Grunted and growled the whole time.

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I believe this one, and I even have a picture to prove it.

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Why, Thank you Outlander for sharing these insights about yourself! :laughing:

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looks like there were some errors outlander…

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[quote=dragoon]
Why, Thank you Outlander for sharing these insights about yourself! :laughing:[/quote]

LoL you used your mod magic in this post! Do you have to say “abra kadabra” or some other magic words to make it work :stuck_out_tongue: .

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…Wait…What?

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!

Damn you, Dragoon, and your clever Mod Abilities!

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Isn’t it just like two brothers to fight like this? :whistle:

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[size=16]My lustful ode to Slowhand[/size]

[quote=“outlander, post:1, topic:302, full:true”]
I profess my love/lust to the Mod-Goddess Slowhand in a poem (lol)Let all come here to worship the whip-lady[/quote]
Originally posted: May 10, 2009 @ 7:23pm

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http://img366.imageshack.us/img366/8236/slowhandwhip3.jpg

Slowhand, the Mod Goddess
she with the whip
I thought that rash had cleared up for good
Your skin glows like the pomme de terre,
blossoms sparkly as the dianthus
in the purest hope of spring.
My heart follows your kazoo voice
and leaps like a polar bear
at the whisper of your name.
The evening floats in on a great buzzard wing.
I am comforted by your decorative eyeglass string
that I carry into the threads of TAN
and hold next to my elbow.
I am filled with hope that I may dry your tears
of olive oil. As my nose falls from my
dashboard, it reminds me of your Cats.
In the quiet I listen for the last angry squirrel of the day.
My heated hips leaps to my tee shirt. I wait in the moonlight
for your banning whip of pain
so that we may dive as one,
purple helmet and mystical motocycle of love.
But no is the reply, as we are both married
So I guess I’ll have some pie

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Outlander, Outlander… sometimes I wonder about you… :unsure:

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WoW that’s very good. It’s also very creepy. Did you draw the picture too? It’s cute and very nicely done if you did.

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[quote=Prede]
WoW that’s very good. It’s also very creepy. Did you draw the picture too? It’s cute and very nicely done if you did.[/quote]

Creepy, Eh? Ha! Ha! Keep them guessing, I say! Remind me to stalk you later.
I didn’t draw the pic. It was done by an artist friend

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