Some Little Funnies

The Outlands
21

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied,

“Cause you’re ugly.”

22

wow, beer goggles just wont work on her

23

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

24

[size=4]Toddler Property Laws[/size]

  1. If I like it, it’s mine.
  2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
  5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6. If I am doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
  7. If it looks like mine, it is mine.
  8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
25

I think we have some politicians in this country that follow a similar set of rules.

26

Toddlers? I know many adults that follow those rules! :slight_smile:

27

Why did the rabbit cross the road?

To show his girlfriend he had guts.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

He didn’t have the guts.

How did the skeleton cross the road?

He borrowed the rabbit’s.

28

[size=4]Ever Wonder How The Fight Started?[/size]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked why, he told her, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” while we were in bed one night.

I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t look at me this time, simply replying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s how the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant; the waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the T-Bone steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

I replied, “Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping through the channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary, she said, “I want something shiny, that goes from 0 to 200 in about three seconds.”

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man, swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

“Do you know him?” I asked.

“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend, I understand he took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since…”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that’s how the fight started…

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well, I couldn’t believe it… he was a dwarf!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then, which one are you?”

And that’s how the fight started…

29

You just made my night Slow!! :lol: :lol:

30

[size=4]Mandles[/size]

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/commercials/Mandles/#62284

31

burrito fart lol!

32

Slowhand wrote:

[quote][size=4]Mandles[/size]

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/commercials/Mandles/#62284[/quote]

Funny!! I know a couple of people that I’d like to give these to! :lol:

33

[size=4]New Government Programs[/size]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will received as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressperson, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)

P.S. - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

34

ROFL! Nice find Slow!

35

That was one of the best Slow! :lol: :lol: :lol:

36

If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be jailed.

If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally, you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the Cuban border illegally, you will be thrown into a political prison to rot.

If you cross the U.S. border illegally, you get…

[spoiler]…a job
…a driver’s license
…social security card
…welfare
…food stamps
…credit cards
…subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house
…free education
…free health care
…a lobbyist in Washington
…billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language
…the right to carry your country’s flag while you protest that you don’t get enough respect

I just wanted to make sure I had a firm grasp on the situation.[/spoiler]

37

Slowhand wrote:

[quote]If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be jailed.

If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally, you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the Cuban border illegally, you will be thrown into a political prison to rot.

If you cross the U.S. border illegally, you get…

[spoiler]…a job
…a driver’s license
…social security card
…welfare
…food stamps
…credit cards
…subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house
…free education
…free health care
…a lobbyist in Washington
…billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language
…the right to carry your country’s flag while you protest that you don’t get enough respect

I just wanted to make sure I had a firm grasp on the situation.[/spoiler]

That is the saddest most true thing I’ve ever heard about crossing the border. -_-

38

These have been taken from actual court records. Enjoy!

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m…
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law…

39

i about fell outta my chair !!!
those attorney!!

yoka

40

The Original Computer!!!

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy…

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!