ROFL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NICE ONE!!!
Nice one LadyOfWicca. :laugh:
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Texas.”
Whitty… it was the tag she meant…
don’t forget about the 8.5 inch floppys, those were fun to play with
A woman sitting at an expensive restaurant was catching the eyes of every male in the room. Her looks were melting their eyes, (and if they were Japanese I guess causing them to go anemic due to blood loss through the nose). She was constantly being given offers of free drinks and bottles of wine, but she told the waiter to tell each potential suitor this…
“Unless you have a least Mercedes, a 500 thousand square foot mansion, 500 million dollars in the bank, and a 10 inch piece, try your luck else where.”
She watched with glee as the waiter returned to each male and saw their crushed looks. However, one extremely handsome man talked to the waiter for a long time, but suddenly got up and left. The waiter returned and she asked, “What was wrong with him?”
The waiter responded, “First he said your beauty was remarkable. I told him your requirements. He said he owns a part of the Mercedes franchise and has several their cars. He is actually a multi billionaire. He has several million foot mansions. But, he told me quite sternly that NO woman was worth cutting off three inches.”
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with ‘ass’. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
Those are all funny! :laugh: :laugh:
A Brief History Of Medicine:
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
**How to Give a Cat a Pill **
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Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
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Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
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Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
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Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
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Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
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Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
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Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
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Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
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Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
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Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
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Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
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Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
I remember this one ShawnMerrow! One of the best ever! Love it! :lol:
**A Cat’s Guide to Etiquette **
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If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
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Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
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For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.
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Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
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For guests who say, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
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Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
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If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
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For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
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For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table – pens, pencils, stamps – one at a time.
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Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, he dropped his club and immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “There, how does that feel?”
Feels great," he replied, “but I still think my thumb’s really broken!”
The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, “Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband is dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, “You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?”
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
“There’s no charge,” she says.
“No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!” she says.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the blonde says, "it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, and he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…
So I just swapped their heads."
Trip to the Vet
Bloke goes to the vets with this big box. He puts the box on the vets examining table, opens it up, takes out a dog and lays it on the table. The vet examines the dog, turns to the bloke and says “I’m sorry, but this dog is dead”. The bloke replies “I don’t believe you, I want a second opinion”.
So the vet goes outside, and a couple of seconds later returns with a cat. He puts the cat on the table, it sniffs up and down the dead dog and then casually strolls away. The vet looks at the bloke and says “There you go! If that dog was alive, that cat would have taken fright straight away and bolted. That dog is definitely dead!”
The blokes not convinced though “I’m still not convinced”, he says
So, the vet goes outside and returns a few seconds later with a Labrador, the Labrador sniffs up and down the dead dog and then casually strolls off
“There!” says the vet, “If your dog was alive that Labrador would have sensed it and run away, your dog is definitely dead”
“OK” says the bloke, “I believe you, my dog’s dead. How much do I owe you?”
“$250” says the vet
“$250 !!” exclaims the bloke
“Yep” says the vet, “It would have been less, but with the CAT scan and the Lab test…”
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the tall grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart.
Why Wal-Mart?
Helloooooo!
Wal-Mart is the largest re-tailer in the world!!
Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston’s Logan airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. A man asked him if he was homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman. “It’s worse, I have I’ve lost all me luggage.”
“That’s terrible, how did that happen?”
“The cork fell out of me bottle”, said Paddy.
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Peg shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back-flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Peg’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
“Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without me bloomers on!”
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and kneels down next to her. “Are you OK?”
“Yes,” she replies.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
She replies, “What am I doing? I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the house.”
He then asks, “Why are you wearing a parka over your leather jacket?”
She replies, “I she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said…”
You’ll love this…
Yep. I know you will…
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Jacobs, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr. Jacobs. “And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her
that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR
APARTMENT.’
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn’t any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.’
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
’ Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if youknow how to turn it
on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present land lady.