Finally, It’s Crystal Clear…
Finally, after 40 years, someone has opened the vault and revealed the answer
to a question that has clawed at our brains since the 1969 Woodstock album
was released:
“What the hell were the lyrics to Joe Cocker’s version of ‘A Little Help From My Friends’?”
He was so wigged-out and loopy on a multitude of drugs, no one has been able
to understand his garbled, mush-mouth version… …until now! :silly:
Sense of Freshness…
A new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS.
It has an automatic water-mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more. :S
You just can’t fix stupid…
HEADLINES
Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
(What goes around comes around!)
County To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of Funds
(Did we elect these people??)
Volunteers Search For Old Civil War Planes
(Civil War Planes? Let me know how that works out.)
Army Vehicle Disappears
An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
(GREAT paint job!)
Caskets Found As Workers Demolish Mausoleum
(They had no idea anyone was buried there?)
Ten Commandments
Supreme Court Says Some OK, Some Not
(I didn’t know we could choose?)
Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not To Take Poison
(This one says it all.)
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
(What are the odds of that?)
Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Significantly After Age 25
(I would have guessed 20.)
There were three guys in a forest, and they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn’t eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
The cannibals say, “The second thing you must do is shove them up your ass without changing the expression on your face.”
So the guy shoves the first apple up his ass, then winces.
The cannibals eat him.
The second guy comes back with 10 berries.
The cannibals say, “The second thing you must do is shove them up your ass without changing the expression on your face.”
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8… but then starts to laugh.
So the cannibals eat him.
Up in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, “Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!”
The second guy says, “I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!”
Words To Remember
You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint helf of your body red and the other half green and then you can jump up and down in a bowl of treacle going “Squawk, squawk, squawk…” And then you can go “Neurhhh! Neurhhh!” and then you can roll around on the floor going “pting pting pting”…
–Monty Python’s Flying Circus, 1970
[size=4]Seven Guys Men Are Intimidated By[/size]
By ‘Married’ Jake
You might be surprised to know that while we’re often kind of threatened by her ex, he doesn’t even make the list of the guys we are truly intimidated by.
I used to date this woman, Shira, whose ex was (literally) a model. But it was her brother who really threatened me. The guy was a firefighter. And she’d been looking up to him for basically her whole life. I couldn’t be in the room with the guy and not feel like if trouble came, I might actually leap into his arms.
I ran into her the other day at the gym. And she was shocked when I told her (me on a treadmill, her on the elliptical trainer next to it) how intimidated I’d been. In the spirit of enlightening, if not all womankind, then at least some of the people I’ve dated, here’s a short compendium of dudes who make me sweat …
1. Anyone who plays the guitar
I can’t play the guitar. I can’t do anything except for type and make guacamole. Ergo: I have always kept my women away from dudes with “axes.”
2. Dudes who can, like, change her valves
It’s even worse if he’s a guy who knows about cars and is all humble about it.
3. Her older brother
See above.
4. Her friend’s boyfriend
You know, the guy she always mentions when we’re being idiots. “John never does that to Jenny,” she says. Man, when John comes around we’re really on our best behavior.
5. The kid she went to high school with and was her best friend for a while but she never dated because he was kind of nerdy but now he’s gained some weight and is super successful and she realizes she really missed out with that one …
Am I the only one who has encountered one of these with every girlfriend?
6. Marines
Man, a Marine started talking to my wife at a bar not that long ago. And I thought: that guy could kick my butt, tell a heart-rending story that would make her cry, and ask to be called “Captain” all at once … I don’t like him.
7. Her father
Especially if he was a Marine, a firefighter and a mechanic who also plays the guitar.
Source: Excerpt from Glamour’s relationship blog, Smitten, which was written by a former male dating columnist, who has since married.
I’d have never thought of that! That’s pretty cool, the expressions he can get out of some cardboard.
[size=4]Annoying Ways to Order a Pizza[/size]
**Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
**End the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
**Give them your address and exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
**Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
**Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
**Put an extra edge in your voice when you say ‘crazy bread’.
**Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (ex: If phoning Dominos, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
**If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, you say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
**Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
**Ask to see a menu.
**Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
**Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
**Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and… action!”
**Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
[size=4]Useless Inventions[/size]
how dare you mock some of the most important inventions of our generation.
Flowering wrote:
Where the hell have you been?
Slowhand wrote:
[quote][size=4]Useless Inventions[/size]
20. Ejector Seats for Helicopters[/quote]
This one really exists 
They do blow off the rotors 1st (obviously).
Slowhand wrote:
[quote][size=4]Useless Inventions[/size]
I’d love to see the look on the person’s face who actually gets itand wonders why 2/4 batteries are always missing…
Human genius is so apparent sometimes.
This video is in German, but what is said is unimportant. This guy is pretty amazing!
http://www.elrellano.com/videos_online/1394/el-rey-del-martillo.html
[size=4]Workers’ Compensation[/size]
This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board…
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up onto the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
This is a much earlier version of that!
:laugh:
I would have to contest these:
Solar Powered Flashlight, this being useless is a myth the way they work is to charge them in the day, taking them out at night without charging them would make the person using it an idiot, the torch itself is a valid invention.
Inflatable Dartboard, some toy dart boards use velcro to attach the dart to board. normal darts then yeah stupid, unless the point is to pop the board.
Silent Alarm Clock, vibrator is I think all that needs to be said.
The others I can’t see any great sense in their invention, but I’ve not seen them.