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Writing an novel, or series, or something

#1

Currently, I am writing a story that could easily be a tv like series, book series, or something along that line. So far it is an over 60 word document novel form story.

To describe the world in which it is set accurately, think of Gundam meets Babylon 5.

I still need to do the poor man’s copyright on it, but I was wondering if anyone would like to take a gander at it. I am curious as to what would be the target audience thinks of it.

Obviously, I can not post the story on the forum, it is WAY TOO LONG, and I still have a long, long ways to go.

I think I had the first part posted on the old forums, even it was a bit long for the forums.

Anyways, feel free to ask questions or message me any interest.

#2

Sounds interesting. I am a great fan of Babylon 5 & I like Gundam as well. Would love to take a look at it, but I need to finish up a few things first. Maybe in a couple of weeks? I will PM you. Thanks for sharing.

#3

Dude, post that sh*t! What are you waiting for?

#4

How do I post over 60 pages worth of Word Document?

#5

I have faith in you. Make it happen.

#6

redshirt1 wrote:

Don’t bombard us all at once… just do a chapter at a time…

#7

Okaayy… Here goes. This is just the intro I will post at first. This isn’t the main story, just a brief introduction to describe the type of universe the story takes place in.

The Triadia discovered there was life on Earth (Terra) by accident. One of the probes sent on a mapping mission picked up human television signals. The shows fascinated the Triadial scientists and social studies members. The human race was far more diverse in beliefs and cultures than theirs, and the humans had made science fiction shows about technology which the Triadial possessed, but which the humans did not fully understand. Yet still, humanity showed more imaginative ideas than they thought possible. For the major space faring races, land, resources, systems, territory are important, but not nearly as important as creativity. Everything but creativity becomes easier with technology, but only certain races and beings have shown a true knack for going forward when the current technology practically solves all the basic needs.

There were certain rules about interfering with non space faring races that the Triadia agreed on, but no other major race supposedly knew about these Terrans. The Triadia, at the time, were considered a major space faring race, but they were not considered a very powerful group. They were slow to adapt new technologies or have new ideas. The leaders decided they needed to do something to inspire their race or else they will fall behind all other races, and at worst eventually be subjugated by a more powerful one. The Terrans were the perfect answer to their problem. Conquer Terra, make the race of humans part of their empire, and human imagination would make them strong enough to thwart any other races attempt to stop the Triadial growth into the rest of the galaxy and beyond.

On October 27, 2012, a fold point was created outside the Sol system. Probes passed through, quickly aiding the point to grow to allow scout vessels through. The scout ships reached Terra under stealth and began to thoroughly plot out the planet’s defenses. On December 21, 2012, while hiding behind a solar illusion, the scout ships help widen the point enough for the first wave of the invasion fleet.

#8

The first wave consisted of a little over five million Triadial personal, including of 100s of warships and large robotic vehicles designed to mimic the natural movement of their bodies. Those robots were called N.A.U.’s (Natural Armored Units). The invasion began quickly and with no warning. They took out Terran satellites, used energy dampers against EMP protected targets, and EMP’s against certain other targets. Cities lost power, military bases could not start their war machines, and the planet could not fight back. Some planes and tanks manage to escape the dampeners but quickly fell to the N.A.U.s. Above all, the Terran nuclear weapon system was suppressed. Subs were sunk immediately, for they could not hide from the Triadial censors. Land bases were quickly seized. This first wave was designed to make sure Terra could not fight back or destroy itself. Once its objective was achieved, the job of true conquering would be left to the second wave, which consisted of close to 250 million personal and 500 million clone/cyber troopers.

However, the last ship of the first wave came out 30 light years early of the fold point. The fold point had collapsed, and the ship was fortunate not to have been destroyed. The ships in charge of helping the fold point enlarge enough to let fold creation ships through waited for the fold point to form again, but the point did not reappear. Dec. 24, 2012, the last ship came within in communication range and reported it detected something very odd the moment it went into the fold point; they thought they detected one of the escort warships for the second wave explode.

A full week went by afterward, and the fold point did not reform. The closest place where the Triadia could go to get help was over 1200 light years away, but the race of little grey men were not likely to help and had hardly any influence in the universe anymore. In fact, they would most likely be hostile. Five million of their people were now stuck in the Sol system with no way home, and only enough resources to live for three months. The leader of the first wave made a bold decision and surrendered to the Terran forces upon certain conditions. In exchange for Terran resources, the Terran race would be taught all of the Triadial technology. The following years were very interesting for Terran race and the trapped five million Triadial. But after only sixty years, Terra had become a space faring race faster than any other race could have imagined, even with the sudden influx of Triadial technology. Their strength would be tested in the future.

(The story I wrote starts in the year 2182, 170 years after the Triadial invasion)

#9

That’s good stuff man! Very smooth writing you got there. Bring on the rest!

#10

Start of the story…

Seeing in 360 degrees is not natural for the human mind, but is surprisingly something that the mind can get used too. Though Jake still could not forget the first time he tried to pilot the censor/attack probe and the look of Sarah’s face when he puked his entire lunch out. No wonder she given him a barf bag before he started. That was over a year ago now, and Jake had become the second best pilot on the Pleasant Venture. That also meant he is the second busiest as well.

He could feel the probe moving at mach speeds, twisting and turning as he scanned the area ahead of him. He could see all around him, and in his vision he saw the huge expanse of the nebula they were in. The ambient light of close to 20 growing stars within a few light years distance made what was normally a pitch black world one of pink clouds with hues of gold and blue playing across them. He could also see what can only be described as a mixture of colors going across all his vision, in a way similar that oil on water creates a rainbow effect. Those colors actually represented the probes censors, and any changes to them would mean something was detected.

Jake also felt his legs ache, his stomach growl, and his back starting to become sore. He was on the bridge of the Pleasant Venture, sitting at one of the four remote probe pilot seats. His eyes were closed, his body remained sitting upright and the only movement it did was with hands touching certain controls on the arm rests and his legs tapping a few pedals. A wire was connected to mechanical implant at the base of his neck, which was the only indication of the cyber enhancements his body had. With one quick thought, Jake brought a screen up in his mind to check the time. The screen, nebula, and censor data was not being displayed on a monitor, but directly to his mind. There the data screen showed twenty minutes remained for his shift, and he sighed slightly. Two six hour pilot shifts in a row with only a two hour break in between was probably not the wisest thing he has done in awhile. Several of the colors at his 2 o’clock position suddenly became a consistent blue and came close together.

#11

“Captain, I am detecting a metallic object 300 kilometers away from the ship.” Jake said immediately, though his own voice always seems so far away when he was piloting. Then, when his mind’s attention already split between the probe and his aching body, another presence entered. Skival, captain of the large trade and transport ship he was on, could be described as rough and abrasive, but he generally meant well. He was not human, but a Seccuvain. All Seccuvain’s are telepathic, however the females of the race tend to be much more powerful in that area than the males. In their society, males are equal to what humans would consider second class citizens, or even worse slaves. Skival was a rare exception, as his abilities would match most of the females of the race, which is probably part of the reason why he made his own way and left them.

Always direct and to the point, Skival did not wait for Jake to talk about what he detected, but linked with his mind to see what was going on. Jake had gotten use to this as well, for he trusted Skival not to probe anywhere else than where he needed to. He “heard” Skival give an order to investigate the object closer and flew the probe closer to the blue outline. Soon the hues began to converge, and then take form as they layered themselves around a large ship floating dead in one of the nebulous gas clouds. It was over 200 meters in length and roughly 55 meters in circumference. It was a basic transport ship like theirs but had no power or atmosphere.

It was not detected earlier because the cloud was masking its presence from long ranged scans, and knowing that Jake began to feel a bit uneasy as he made a more thorough scan. He ‘heard’ Skival think, “Just as I feared, pirates.” The cuts in the dead ship that probe censors had outlined were the type made by hostile boarding craft, and there were three of them. Jake then heard Skival say “Start bringing the probe back, Jake, though store the logs so we can pass on news of that ship’s crew.”

#12

His head turned slightly as he realized his ears actually heard Skival say it, and answered back “Yes,Captain.”

“Itch’tatca, how long before we can jump?” Jake heard Skival ask the Beetacian first officer.

“Thirty minutes,Captain. Is there something wrong?” responded Itch’tatca in a series of clicks, but Jake understood it through his translator device.

“Possibly, Itch’. Jake, keep your probe out till we jump. Itch’, get Hana and Dawson up here. I want two probes out for the next shift. We are still two jumps away from our destination, and it seems there might be …” Jakes translator seemed to have trouble with this word, but it came out as ‘sharks’ “in the area. Jake, go ahead and arm your weapon systems just in case.”

“Aye, Captain.” This job was not turning out as pleasant as they thought it would. He started to bring the probe back towards the ship, but in a long circular path. He looked with its censors back and forth and kept sweeping the area as he headed closer and closer to his ship, but there was nothing else unusual detected during the long trip back. “The pirates must have hit that ship four days ago if not longer,” thought Jake, for if it was any closer in time, traces of the battle should have still been visible. The Pleasant Venture slowly came into his full view, its appearance similar to what a 21st century oil tanker looked like. Except those sea going vessels didn’t have both dorsal and ventral super structures. When the time came, he guided the probe to the docking port on the bow, felt the gentle pressure as the tractor beams and computer captured it and began taking it in. In a quick flash, his mind was entirely back within him, and Jake opened his eyes.

#13

Please do forgive any typos and what not. There is a great deal of text to go through.

#14

Having done this numerous times, he was used to having to quickly refocus his vision and flex all his muscles. The connection to his neck disengaged and snapped back into the chair. “Probe docked, Captain. All censor data is being transferred to the main computer’s logs now.” Jake said as he at last got to stand again and face his captain. Skival’s appearance always surprised Jake, for it was mainly in sci-fi’s that an alien race would be attractive by human standards. He reminded Jake of how elves are portrayed in old fantasy stories, well except for the dark lavender skin, the long curved horns protruding from the forehead, the golden eyes with many facets and no pupils, and the fact he had breasts like every Seccuvian had despite gender. Also, he only was five foot eight inches tall. Well, maybe he was not like an elf at all. Skival mentally thanked him and told him to go ahead and end his shift as soon as Hana and Dawson showed up.

Glad that Skival had not ‘heard’ his last train of thought, Jake got into a position for their hyperspace jump. The bridge was rectangular, with two tiers going down to the main pilot’s seat. The first tier up from the pilot’s sit had a few stations and two probe pilot seats, as did the third tier. The top tier is where Skival sat in his chair and where the two doors to the bridge lay at each end. When the port bridge door opened, Jake turned his head and saw both Hana and Dawson enter. Hana looked over at him as she got into her probe pilot seat and gave a soft smile, but also an expression that Jake had long learned meant she was asking what was going on.

Skival said to them, “Thanks for coming you two. We will be jumping in forty five seconds. Once we come out, I want you two to patrol the area with weapons hot. Jake found the remains of a pirate’s handy work, and I will not let that happen to this crew. You two have been up against pirates before, so you know what to do.”

#15

Dawson looked surprised and worried, while Hana gave the expression Jake knew as ‘ah I understand now.’
“Uh, Skival, Jake and Sarah are the best pilots on this ship; shouldn’t they be out as well?” Dawson quickly asked.

Skival said, “Jake just did a twelve hour shift and needs rest. Sarah has also done a long shift reprogramming our entire temperature control unit for the aft cargo bays. Pirates go for unarmed ships. With your attack probes and our defensive weaponry, we are not an inviting target. Relax Dawson.”

“Jumping in 5,4…” Itch’ continued to count down from the main pilot’s seat. The huge insectoid had too many limbs for Jake to keep track off, but Itch’ did his job of ship’s pilot, navigator, and second in command better than most people could do with just one of those jobs. His limbs moved in rhythm like a soloist on the drums, quickly setting the last adjustments for the jump. Then, for two seconds, the sensation of free falling took over Jake’s mind, yet his body had not moved. The stars outside shown in the display screens faded then reappeared in a different arrangement when the sensation of movement had ended. The jump was over; they had traveled 14.3 light years in just two seconds. Jake gave Hana a slight wink as he headed out the starboard door and thanked whatever god existed that he now got to eat and get some sleep.

(Will post more tomorrow. Don’t want to much wall of text without comments.)

#16

You use the word “powerful” far too often. There are synonyms to “strength”, “ability”, “skill”, and “adept”. Try using other words rather than powerful, if anything try not to use it at all. I read fan-fiction often enough to know right off you are going to be using that word all the time. It’s dull and annoying. I cannot get a good gauge for something if it is only described as “powerful”.

For instance, “All Seccuvain’s are telepathic, however the females of the race tend to be much more powerful in that area than the males.”

Instead you could substitute: “All Seccuvians are telepathic, with males being much less proficient than the females.”

I have eliminated two problems, overuse of the word “powerful”, and a misuse of the word “that”.

Secondly you misspelled censor, it is supposed to be spelled sensor.

Censor on dictionary.com:

  1. an official who examines books, plays, news reports, motion pictures, radio and television programs, letters, cablegrams, etc., for the purpose of suppressing parts deemed objectionable on moral, political, military, or other grounds.
  2. any person who supervises the manners or morality of others.
  3. an adverse critic; faultfinder.
  4. (in the ancient Roman republic) either of two officials who kept the register or census of the citizens, awarded public contracts, and supervised manners and morals.
  5. (in early Freudian dream theory) the force that represses ideas, impulses, and feelings, and prevents them from entering consciousness in their original, undisguised forms.

Sensor on dictionary.com:

  1. a mechanical device sensitive to light, temperature, radiation level, or the like, that transmits a signal to a measuring or control instrument.
  2. a sense organ.

Again I hope you take this as constructive especially since you got me into my review mode. To quickly change the problems you have in the document, just hit control+f and you should also have a feature to replace all words with another word so if you decide to change censor to sensor then you won’t have to do a duck hunt, it will all be done for you.

#17

Ah, nah. Censor, Sensor is a quick fix. Some of the word choices need to be flushed out, but this is a rough draft. Intro really is not as good as I would like, but it really isn’t part of the story either.

#18

Try not to let it sit you know… I would like to be of some help, but don’t count on me too heavily…

#19

Ah nah, I have others for editing. These posts is mainly to get the story out…which I shall continue.

The quarters were not that large but roomy enough not to feel claustrophobic. They reminded Sarah of dorm rooms that she saw at one of the community colleges they had near Berlin. It had a double size bed, desk with an interface computer and several storage spaces, dresser, another small desk with chair, and a tiny bathroom with pulse shower unit and commode. It wasn’t messy, but she could not call the place neat and tidy either. The few posters of the popular sport teams and their players were not to her taste either; she preferred other teams. The smell indicated that the room needed to have its air refreshed, but it wasn’t too unpleasant. A thought crossed her mind, but she decided that she did not feel guilty at all for sneaking into Jake’s quarters.

She stood and stretched her athletic body as she waited. The reprogramming job was extremely boring, but that is what happened when Skival used pirated programs from unknown sources. Her blonde hair was not in her usually pony tail, but hung down over left shoulder. She glanced at the small mirror in the bathroom and saw her dark blue eyes gaze back at her. The memory of her father telling her that her good looks would mean nothing if she kept acting like a tomboy made her laugh. When she joined Skival’s crew three years ago, she was working on becoming a professional pilot, and the chance meeting with him provided her with the best work experience she could possibly have. She was now highly skilled in piloting, programming, and despite her father’s prediction, met someone.

It was a year and a half ago when the Pleasant Venture arrived at the TF colony sphere New Texas. Colony spheres were always something to see, the size of a small moon, black metallic balls that were hollow inside. The inner surface however matched the surface of a planet; in New Texas’s case it matched Terra’s. In the center of the sphere hovered a massive fusion drive, which powered the whole sphere and gave enough ambient light to mimic a sun. That was one thing Sarah thought she could not get used too, the constant light. She grew up in nation state of Austria. Sphere colonies just seemed too different, the light and instead of a sky all one saw was more terrain.

#20

But on that visit to New Texas, Skival went on a recruitment drive. Three friends joined the 76 man crew of the Pleasant Venture. Hana Betterson, Ajax Floydal, and Jake Misoto had recently graduated from their training schools on the sphere and were looking for an adventure that paid well and gave great work experience. Skival had a way of making a cargo hauler’s job sound far more glamorous that it was, but the pay was good and one did get experience. With a year and a half under her belt and showing excellent skill in remote probe piloting, she was given the duty of training Hana and Jake how to use the remote probes as well.

At first, she hated the two. Like most colony children, they knew very little about Earth. Sure they knew sports teams and what virtual shows came from it, but the actual history and culture knowledge was greatly lacking. The only language they knew was New Latin, the official Terran language established after the Triadial invasion. Over the next few months however, those differences did not matter as much, and Sarah could not now imagine her life without those two.

Especially Jake, who she slowly got to understand during his training. He was eighteen at the time he joined on and she was twenty, so at first she thought him to young, naïve, and unreliable to do this job, despite the fact she was the same age when she joined. However, he proved mature enough, knowledgeable, and very reliable. His friendship with Hana started to concern Sarah, but she found out that Hana was Jake’s sister’s best friend for a long time. Their relationship had always been as if they were brother and sister. Ajax became a friend as soon as Hana started to date him. Only after doing all of that snooping did Sarah realize, she was starting to fall for Jake, hard.

His looks did not help her predicament. As with most colony kids, one could not tell what old nation states their ancestors came from. It was usually a mixed bunch. Jake was no exception. His skin was slightly brown, as if it was a cross between India decent and European. His hair was dark red, thick, but he kept it cut short. His eyes had the slightest hint of Asian descent, yet his face looked more French, but the most striking thing about him was his eyes changed from dark green in the center to the darkest brown outside. After sixth months working with him, she decided it was time to let him know her feelings and ambushed him one day outside her quarters. She has not regretted it since.