The Outlander Memorial Thread

The Outlands
1523

“Upside Down Watch”

“Your watch is upside down.”

The clicking continued. That man was still standing there, hands laid across the stand. Everything he had thrown onto the belt was bagged up, ready for him to drag off to his car. Yet he was still here, hadn’t paid the cashier. Seemed he had plenty in the account for bothering, the slack look on his face was a definite statement.

“Your watch is upside down, don’t you know that?”

Drip, the cooler went. This guy should cram one of those energy drinks down his throat and shut up the noise…

“Anybody home?” The man shifted his attention to the cashier. The three standing behind him switched from foot to foot, practically begging him to get out of the way. Flies were doing crazy eights in the air above the check out, their acrobatics mainly unnoticed.

Drip. A steady hum from beneath the cooler emulated out into the store, forming a steady song. The ride in front of the building seemed to bounce along with the hum from the cooler. A passing attempt at a horse, it’s painted eyes glared upward staring into the unknown.

The man rolled his shoulders, preparing to unleash on the unresponsive clerk. He took a deep breath… and sucked down one of the flies in doing so. Hitching, he grabbed at his throat, knocking over stands of candy and chips while he rocked back and forth. He fell to his knees, face turning red. Sweat poured down his cheeks like tears. As he fell to the ground writhing and slapping at the feet of those standing behind him, he could clearly note the time…

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1524

GoodNight

A man walks up to his son in his bedroom. He sits next to him and kisses him on the forehead. “Goodnight” he says to his son. His son looks at him, worried, and replies “Is it?” The father, confused, decides to take it s a joke.

He chuckles and goes through his son’s hair and gets up to leave. He enters his own bedroom to find his wife on the floor, unconcious. Startled, the man runs to his wife and ponders for a minute. He walks back into his son’s room.

The boy is still awake, as if waiting for his father to return. He sits up in his bed upon his father’s entry and stares and him. The father kisses his son on the forehead once more and begins to walk out of the room. He grabs hold of the doorknob and turns back to his son.

“Yes, it is a good night.” he says, closing the door.

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1525

Revy’s Advice to the Lovelorn

Hello Readers,
It’s Revy, your sensitive advisor on romantic matters. Let’s open the mailbag and see what we have.If you don’t like it, maybe I should stick my bowie knife in your gut. Moving on.

Dear Revy,
I would like my husband to take me out on Saturday Nights, but I can’t seem to get him away from watching football on T.V. How do I convince him to take me out?
Slowhand

Slowhand,
Why that little turd! I’ll be dammed if he would ignore me! I suggest that you fire an M-60 grenade launcher through the front window. That should get his attention. As he lays stunned on the floor, drag him to the car and handcuff him to the bumper. You should then proceed to drive to a good restaurant and if the little bugger is still alive, kick his butt into the place. I’m nothing if not romantic.
Revy

Dear Revy,
I want to tell this girl I have feelings for her, but I’m too shy to approach her. What should I do?
Fillet

Fillet,
Gawd, I can’t believe you, If you had any stones, I would kick them. Now be a real man and just tell the little tramp what’s on your mind, And don’t forget some flowers, you wuss.
Your Friend Revy

Dear Revy,
How can I find a good man?
Sincerely,
Lady Of Wicca

What kind of name is that, anyway? Is it a code? Do what I do. Go to the toughest bar in town and challenge everyone to a drinking contest. The last one standing will be good enough for the night. I also suggest a pair of Colt .45’s but just wing him in the leg so nothing else that matters will be injured. Have a goddanm good time
Revy

More later, gentle readers. Now get out.

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1526

Oh man these stories are hilarious! She’s pretty good with this romance stuff. I just hope she’s not married, I feel sorry for whoever tries to flirt with her.

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1527

Dear Revy,

I keep getting assigned the most dangerous missions and put in front of the senior staff. Most of my friends are dead. I have learned to shoot first and ask questions later, not to go back to help the wounded, and the importance of wearing basic body armor underneath my uniform. Is there anything else I can do to keep myself alive before turning into a heartless machine of death myself?

Sincerely,
Redshirt1

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1528

[quote=redshirt1]
Dear Revy,

I keep getting assigned the most dangerous missions and put in front of the senior staff. Most of my friends are dead. I have learned to shoot first and ask questions later, not to go back to help the wounded, and the importance of wearing basic body armor underneath my uniform. Is there anything else I can do to keep myself alive before turning into a heartless machine of death myself?

Sincerely,
Redshirt1[/quote]

Dear Whoever,

Assigned? What’s wrong with you? Don’t do anything for free, you rookie, get paid upfront first. Gawd, #@%&^%$* men… useless. I need a drink . I’m going to a bar. Don’t follow me, junior, Try to get out of this town before you hurt yourself. Mailbag is closed. Beat it

Revy

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1529

I KANT REED rEVY WILL PANSIES WORK???

He walked up the steps to the front door. He was unsure how to act, but his feelings for her gave him the courage. He would tell her how he felt, and hope for the best. He shifted the flowers he’d bought her to his left hand so he could reach out and ring the doorbell. Chimes echoed throughout the house and his heart boomed with them.

The sound of the chimes rang off into silence, and nobody opened the door. He rang again, while nervousness creeped up in his throat. What if she didn’t want to answer? What if she wasn’t even here? Again the chimes went silent, and no sound of movement came from inside. A petal fell from one of the flowers, wafting to the porch in lazy arcs. He watched it, sinking with it.

Suddenly the door was yanked open. He jumped back a step, startled. As he did, his foot slipped off the stairs and he fell into the yard. The flowers scattered in the grass. He grabbed at them, trying to bundle them up. Total dismay overtook him, and he started to turn back towards the door. What he saw standing there made him scream.

A giant fox stood in the doorway. Easily eight feet tall, it was crouching just to fit through the door. It’s eyes were rolling madly, and two feet of tongue was hanging from it’s mouth. It pawed at the air in front of it and barked harshly, slobber falling from it’s mouth and splattering on the porch.

Think on that one. More at another time.

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1530

:laugh: These are all great stories!

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1531

Dutch’s Business Ethics

Yo, TAN, Dutch here. I have to say I am really disturbed at the level of ethics here on the forum. They are way too high and idealistic. I need you to change , and I’ll help you. Won’t cost nothin’. This is how you survive as a pirate in Roanapur.

  1. Pirates do not say “please” or “thank you”. The phrase “I’ll probably kill you tomorrow” is an acceptable alternative
    for “Thank you”.

  2. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as
    mouthwash. Anything “minty fresh” is strictly forbidden.

  3. All women are to be referred to as whores, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as “Bitch”.

  4. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a
    sock puppet.

  5. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.

  6. Don’t shall discuss your feelings, unless your feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

  7. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.

  8. A pirate does not “go shopping”. Unless by “shopping”, you mean “killing”.

  9. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

  10. When in doubt, Have Revy shoot ‘em. Play it safe, I say.

For now, I’ll just leave it like that. And another thing. Don’t let me catch you in Roanapur. You ain’t ready for that yet.

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1532

[quote=outlander]
8.A pirate does not “go shopping”. Unless by “shopping”, you mean “killing”. [/quote]

I think it would be more correct to say "Unless by “shopping” you mean “pillaging”.

Now please excuse me. I’m off to London to proofread the Magna Carta. There’s a few typos there that have been annoying me lately.

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1533

Working on: “The Combat Maid’s manual by Mahoro”

Again…, everyone is invited to contribute a short, funny Anime-related story. Don’t be shy

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1534

Another good one Outlander! And who could possibly top you? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

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1535

Let’s contribute and find out! Nah, who am I kidding; these are hilarous! I don’t think I can top that. I’m not funny when I write; only when I’m talking with friends.

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1536

Top Ten Tips to Survive High School by Sousuke Sagara.

  1. When starting a new school make sure to get adequate intelligence on it. First acquire satellite photos of the school and surrounding area. Get detailed backgrounds on all faculty members. Also find out the crime rate for the local area and your route of approach.

  2. Perform a detailed recon of the building before the start of school. Make sure to plan several routes of egress in case you need to escape in a hurry. Study structural plans to see which walls can stop bullets and explosions.

  3. Make plans to handle various threat scenarios. You, should be ready for anything from stalkers to a terrorist takeover.

  4. Keep an eye out for anything unusual. For example if your shoe locker has been tampered with, the best plan is remote detonation with C4.

  5. Always be armed. Since your in a school though only use stun rounds in firearms. A few smoke grenades always come in handy for quick escapes.

  6. Never underestimate the use of traps to improve school security. If you see a weak point on the perimeter best place a trap there.

  7. Coordinate with the Student Body President to help improve school security.

  8. If you find yourself in a situation where you are not sure on the course of action, going on the offensive is always the best option.

  9. If your commanding officer transfers into your class, make sure to get backup.

  10. Avoid relationships with women who have anger management issues.

http://webpages.charter.net/smerrow/sousuke2.jpg

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1537

ShawnMerrow wrote:

[quote]http://webpages.charter.net/smerrow/sousuke1.jpg

Top Ten Tips to Survive High School by Sousuke Sagara.[/quote]

Lol nice story, but you play too much MW2.

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1538

[quote=YemeniLuigi]

[quote=ShawnMerrow]
http://webpages.charter.net/smerrow/sousuke1.jpg
Top Ten Tips to Survive High School by Sousuke Sagara.[/quote]

Lol nice story, but you play too much MW2.[/quote]

Full Metal Panic, what a great series, FUMOFFU was awesome as well.

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1539

ShawnMerrow, This is excellent! I lol’d. Yeah, Baby this is what I’m talkn’ about!

Post more everyone.

http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/5075/1000nw.jpg

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1540

[quote=YemeniLuigi]
Lol nice story, but you play too much MW2.[/quote]

MW2 has nothing to do with it. That’s just how Sousuke Sagara is. Everyone knows that the most reliable way to dispose of a suspicious article, is destruction by means of a high yield explosive.

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1541

[quote=YemeniLuigi]
Lol nice story, but you play too much MW2.[/quote]

Never played it. This was fully based on Full Metal Panic! and Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu(season 2). Its one of the best anime series there is. If you have not seen it, you should.

[quote=outlander]
ShawnMerrow, This is excellent! I lol’d. Yeah, Baby this is what I’m talkn’ about![/quote]

Thanks :slight_smile:

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1542

That was great ShawnMerrow! You have a perfect Sousuke! :lol:

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