The Outlander Memorial Thread

The Outlands
1543

I happened to come across this notice while doing some web surfing recently. I don’t know what to make of it:

[quote]United States Coast Guard Notice of Suspension of Operation

To:
Ai Enma, D.B.A. River Styx Ferry Service, LLC

Ms. Enma:

You are hereby ordered to immediately suspend operation of your ferry service until such time as you correct the following deficiencies:

1.) No HIN number displayed.
2.) No Registration or Documentation provided to inspector.
3.) Insufficient number of Personal Flotation Devices (PFD) for total number of crew/passenger(s).
4.) No Visual Distress Signals (VDS) available.
5.) No fire extinguishers available.
6.) No sound producing devices or bell available.
7.) No navigation lights installed.
8.) No pollution placard posted.
9.) No MARPOL Trash Placard posted.
10.) No Marine Sanitation Devices provided for crew and/or passenger(s).

In addition, it has been brought to our attention that you have failed to register your vessel with the I.C.C. as a common carrier. They will be contacting you in a separate notice.

All deficiencies must be resolved within sixty (60) days of the receipt of the notice.[/quote]

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1544

Hell Girl 0 - Government Bureaucracy 1 :laugh:

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1545

[quote=ShawnMerrow]
Hell Girl 0 - Government Bureaucracy 1 :laugh:[/quote]

I was inspired by the Coast Guard shutdown of the oil skimming barges in the Gulf about two months ago… :ohmy: :blink: :S :unsure: :frowning:

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1546

You know, she does have that bell around her wrist…

1547

I am presently writing a piece on Mahoro. It’s going pretty slow, so until I get that and other pieces finished, I will repost some really old stuff I wrote.

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1548

[quote=outlander]
I am presently writing a piece on Mahoro. It’s going pretty slow, so until I get that and other pieces finished, I will repost some really old stuff I wrote.[/quote]

Take your time; can’t wait to read it.

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1549

Things Are Looking Up For Me Now That I Have This Chainsaw

Honestly, I don’t know how I got by without this chainsaw. Now that the throaty purr of a two-stroke engine spinning seventy inches of diamond-sharpened chain has become my solution to every problem in my day-to-day routine, my life has drastically improved.

For instance, I’m enjoying a romantic dinner with teh waifu. I’m in my tux, she’s in one of those playboy bunny outfits. Things are going well. When I pull a chair out for her, she notices that my muscles are only exerting half their potential power and swoons. I make her laugh deeply with my captivating tales of instant messaging with Tommy Two Tacos. The boat oars, traffic signs, and whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant’s walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming.

Then, the unthinkable.

Our waiter brings me a Shirley Temple after I specifically asked for a Roy Rogers. I politely point out his mistake, and he responds in a rude manner, sullying my honor in front of a lady. This cannot stand.

I lean over and remove the chainsaw from its carrying case below my chair. Our waiter backs off nervously, looking back over his shoulder. There, by the entrance to the kitchen is his own chainsaw. It is an inferior make and model. Knowing he has been outclassed, he tells us that our drinks are on the house.

Game, set, match.

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1550

[quote=outlander]

Things Are Looking Up For Me Now That I Have This Chainsaw

Honestly, I don’t know how I got by without this chainsaw. Now that the throaty purr of a two-stroke engine spinning seventy inches of diamond-sharpened chain has become my solution to every problem in my day-to-day routine, my life has drastically improved.

For instance, I’m enjoying a romantic dinner with teh waifu. I’m in my tux, she’s in one of those playboy bunny outfits. Things are going well. When I pull a chair out for her, she notices that my muscles are only exerting half their potential power and swoons. I make her laugh deeply with my captivating tales of instant messaging with Tommy Two Tacos. The boat oars, traffic signs, and whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant’s walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming.

Then, the unthinkable.

Our waiter brings me a Shirley Temple after I specifically asked for a Roy Rogers. I politely point out his mistake, and he responds in a rude manner, sullying my honor in front of a lady. This cannot stand.

I lean over and remove the chainsaw from its carrying case below my chair. Our waiter backs off nervously, looking back over his shoulder. There, by the entrance to the kitchen is his own chainsaw. It is an inferior make and model. Knowing he has been outclassed, he tells us that our drinks are on the house.

Game, set, match.[/quote]

Awww I wanted bloodshed. . .lol jk, great story; funny as usual.

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1551

Another Actual* Conversation,

Interrogating a Dog

Outlander: Slow, I’m going to waterboard a dog
Slowhand: DO NOT WATERBOARD THAT DOG
Livestock: I’M GOING TO WATERBOARD A DOG,SLOW
Slowhand: Don’t!!
Outlander: Slow, THE TOWEL IS OVER THE DOG’S HEAD! I’VE GOT HIS WATER BOWL
Slowhand: OUTLANDER… STOP! STOP WATERBOARDING THAT DOG
Outlander: I AM POURING THE WATER BOWL ON THE DOG’S HEAD
Slowhand: STOP IT RIGHT NOW
Outlander: SLOW, HE IS REVEALING SECRETS… BONES BURIED… IN THE…BACKYARD
Outlander: GUILTY! HE IS GUILTY!
Slowhand: NO, OUTLANDER
Outlander: Slow, justice is served
Slowhand: you are going to jail for this
Outlander: I am using advanced interrogation techniques on an otter
Slowhand: Outlander, what kind of techniques…do you mean TORTURE?
Outlander: I am simply going to electrocute it slowly
Slowhand: NO OUTLANDER,DO NOT ELECTROCUTE THAT OTTER
Outlander: IT IS FOR AMERICA!!
Slowhand: NO ! NOooooo…
Outlander: justice is served
Slowhand: you’re a fool

[size=10]*When I say actual, I mean I made it up[/size]

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1552

[quote=outlander]

Another Actual* Conversation,

Interrogating a Dog

Outlander: Slow, I’m going to waterboard a dog
Slowhand: DO NOT WATERBOARD THAT DOG
Livestock: I’M GOING TO WATERBOARD A DOG,SLOW
Slowhand: Don’t!!
Outlander: Slow, THE TOWEL IS OVER THE DOG’S HEAD! I’VE GOT HIS WATER BOWL
Slowhand: OUTLANDER… STOP! STOP WATERBOARDING THAT DOG
Outlander: I AM POURING THE WATER BOWL ON THE DOG’S HEAD
Slowhand: STOP IT RIGHT NOW
Outlander: SLOW, HE IS REVEALING SECRETS… BONES BURIED… IN THE…BACKYARD
Outlander: GUILTY! HE IS GUILTY!
Slowhand: NO, OUTLANDER
Outlander: Slow, justice is served
Slowhand: you are going to jail for this
Outlander: I am using advanced interrogation techniques on an otter
Slowhand: Outlander, what kind of techniques…do you mean TORTURE?
Outlander: I am simply going to electrocute it slowly
Slowhand: NO OUTLANDER,DO NOT ELECTROCUTE THAT OTTER
Outlander: IT IS FOR AMERICA!!
Slowhand: NO ! NOooooo…
Outlander: justice is served
Slowhand: you’re a fool

*When I say actual, I mean I made it up[/quote]

“that was strangely patriotic”

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1553

[quote=Hornet65]

[quote=outlander]

Another Actual* Conversation,

Interrogating a Dog

Outlander: Slow, I’m going to waterboard a dog
Slowhand: DO NOT WATERBOARD THAT DOG
Livestock: I’M GOING TO WATERBOARD A DOG,SLOW
Slowhand: Don’t!!
Outlander: Slow, THE TOWEL IS OVER THE DOG’S HEAD! I’VE GOT HIS WATER BOWL
Slowhand: OUTLANDER… STOP! STOP WATERBOARDING THAT DOG
Outlander: I AM POURING THE WATER BOWL ON THE DOG’S HEAD
Slowhand: STOP IT RIGHT NOW
Outlander: SLOW, HE IS REVEALING SECRETS… BONES BURIED… IN THE…BACKYARD
Outlander: GUILTY! HE IS GUILTY!
Slowhand: NO, OUTLANDER
Outlander: Slow, justice is served
Slowhand: you are going to jail for this
Outlander: I am using advanced interrogation techniques on an otter
Slowhand: Outlander, what kind of techniques…do you mean TORTURE?
Outlander: I am simply going to electrocute it slowly
Slowhand: NO OUTLANDER,DO NOT ELECTROCUTE THAT OTTER
Outlander: IT IS FOR AMERICA!!
Slowhand: NO ! NOooooo…
Outlander: justice is served
Slowhand: you’re a fool

*When I say actual, I mean I made it up[/quote]

“that was strangely patriotic”[/quote]

People will do anything for their country. . .

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1554

[quote=YemeniLuigi]

[quote=outlander]

Things Are Looking Up For Me Now That I Have This Chainsaw

Honestly, I don’t know how I got by without this chainsaw. Now that the throaty purr of a two-stroke engine spinning seventy inches of diamond-sharpened chain has become my solution to every problem in my day-to-day routine, my life has drastically improved.

For instance, I’m enjoying a romantic dinner with teh waifu. I’m in my tux, she’s in one of those playboy bunny outfits. Things are going well. When I pull a chair out for her, she notices that my muscles are only exerting half their potential power and swoons. I make her laugh deeply with my captivating tales of instant messaging with Tommy Two Tacos. The boat oars, traffic signs, and whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant’s walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming.

Then, the unthinkable.

Our waiter brings me a Shirley Temple after I specifically asked for a Roy Rogers. I politely point out his mistake, and he responds in a rude manner, sullying my honor in front of a lady. This cannot stand.

I lean over and remove the chainsaw from its carrying case below my chair. Our waiter backs off nervously, looking back over his shoulder. There, by the entrance to the kitchen is his own chainsaw. It is an inferior make and model. Knowing he has been outclassed, he tells us that our drinks are on the house.

Game, set, match.[/quote]
Awww I wanted bloodshed. . .lol jk, great story; funny as usual.[/quote]

I think I have read this story of yours before

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1555

Yeah, you no doubt did. As I said, until my writer’s block on my current pieces goes away, I will post some of my old stuff

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1556

Lovin’ the stories, tykes…!

The chainsaw and dog interrogation tales are by far my faves… (tykes, tykes…)

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1557

From October 2008

naturoHolloween.png618×598 579 KB

Anime Holloween

As gluttonous, buffet-ravaging hellbeast children across America know, Halloween is coming, the scariest and spookiest holiday of all, besides Thanksgiving day at your in-laws. While you read this, kids are lifting their dense, bloated folds of flesh into various Dragonball-Z costumes sewn together by Taiwanese children their same age. These children then parade relentlessly throughout suburban neighborhoods, begging for spare change and an offer to work for food. No… wait…., that’s homeless people. Trick or Treating kids are much more demanding than the homeless, insisting you pay in advance for them to get loaded with chocolate, caramel, fudge, peanut butter, double chocolate, crispy rice, canola oil, yellow #5, methanol, Polyurethane, vinyl siding, or whatever other stuff is inside candy these days. If you don’t give in to their ruthless demands, then the Russian police will shoot mystery gas into your home until you are dead. Once these juvenile delinquents are done extorting you for saturated fats, they will move on and pillage the house next to yours like midget Vikings. I found that Jesus is often the biggest threat to Trick Or Treaters. The only way you can possibly hope to escape from these marauding gangs of midget Vikings is to steal a Bible from a local motel, make thousands of copies from pages that you select at random, and then launch into the following conversation when a doughy child crammed inside a Naruto costume bangs on your door:

FAT Kid in Naruto costume: “Trick or treat!”

Outlander: (Waving arms wildly) “And sayeth the Lord Jesus Christ, ‘thy wicked, thy sinners, thy defiles of mine mystic barge, begone! For this event shant not be celebrated by scurvy vermin, as it opposes our Lord, thy God upon Mount Holy Oats, and ye shall receive a penalty as harsh as thy soul upon the fiery rocks of hell itself!’”

FAT Kid in Naruto costume: “Do you have any candy?”

Outlander: (Spitting while talking) “Do not celebrate this wicked holiday my child! For with every visit, you release a demon from Satan’s Magic Grain Silo, a demon sent to capture your soul and use it in the upcoming unholy war! Repent or you shall be doomed! DOOMED! DOOMED!!!” (Shove a copy of the random Bible page into their Halloween candy bag)

FAT Kid in Naruto costume: “This isn’t candy! What the hell is this?”

Outlander: “It’s me threatening to beat you to death with this chair leg unless you get the hell off my goddamn porch right now, you little shit.”

While Jesus does a good job ruining Halloween for most kids, we adults who choose not to celebrate this silly holiday have an even bigger threat looming over our heads today: insane, possibly undead serial killers from Hell.

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1558

Uh, Outlander, Halloween for adults is dressing in the skimpiest, sexiest costume you can get away with and going to more adult oriented parties. Kids cannot bother you there nor knock on your door if you got proper security in place. Praise the Lord…

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1559

[quote=redshirt1]
Uh, Outlander, Halloween for adults is dressing in the skimpiest, sexiest costume you can get away with and going to more adult oriented parties. Kids can bother you there nor knock on your door if you got proper security in place. Praise the Lord…[/quote]

Kids CAN’T bother you there. . .sorry, grammar Nazi habbits. . .

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1560

[quote=redshirt1]
Uh, Outlander, Halloween for adults is dressing in the skimpiest, sexiest costume you can get away with and going to more adult oriented parties. Kids cannot bother you there nor knock on your door if you got proper security in place. Praise the Lord…[/quote]

And what skimpy, sexy costumes do you usually wear for Halloween, Red?

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1561

[quote=YemeniLuigi]

[quote=redshirt1]
Uh, Outlander, Halloween for adults is dressing in the skimpiest, sexiest costume you can get away with and going to more adult oriented parties. Kids can bother you there nor knock on your door if you got proper security in place. Praise the Lord…[/quote]

Kids CAN’T bother you there. . .sorry, grammar Nazi habbits. . .[/quote]

Making a “Grammar Nazi” post with habits spelled “habbits” (sic)… you deserve this:

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1562

Long ago, I had a thread called “My Own Personal Thread” Where I used to post my stories, when I wrote more than I do now. That thread may still be here, somewhere. Anyway… I had several pieces called Actual* Conversations (* When I say Actual, I mean I made it up). This one is from 2007. I think after this, Slowhand decided I wasn’t a well- adjusted, normal poster and kept her distance.
BUT I STILL LUST AFTER YOU SLOW!!!

Book of Ham: An Actual Conversation*

Outlander: Slow, perhaps we should come up with some alternative uses for ham

Slowhand: such as an antiseptic cream??

Outlander: a wedge of ham could serve as an ideal doorjamb

Slowhand: ham makes a great pillow for a quick nap

Outlander: ham is a window into the soul

Slowhand: a slice of ham is ideal for scraping ice off your car’s windshield

Outlander: if you are charged with watching somebody’s child and you accidentally misplace the child and the child is never seen or heard from again, a ham dressed in one of the child’s outfits will fool just about any parent

Slowhand: we should put this in a book

Outlander: which book? I would like to maybe put it inside a book about ducks so readers view it as a pleasant surprise. like one minute ducks and then all of a sudden: ham.

Slowhand: that would be a great surprise and maybe we could put a slice of ham between the pages to sweeten the deal (it would be honey roasted ham)

Outlander: Slow, what if we just made a book of ham? and the pages were ham? and the words carved into the ham like ancient curses upon flesh

Slowhand: :open_mouth:

Outlander: this is a book safe to leave in your oven - unlike other books, which will catch fire if left in the oven!!

Slowhand: however, it is not safe to leave with a dog, as other books are

Outlander: i suppose we could coat the book with poison??

Slowhand: yes! Certainly!
Outlander: Slow, someone ought to come up with chewing ham, like tobacco but ham

Slowhand: that would be amazing!

Outlander: Slow, a lot of rookies make the mistake of trying to eat their ham radios.
This is a fool’s errand; the ham radio is not made out of actual ham

Slowhand: well they do sound delicious… also hammocks… and hamsters

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