The Outlander Memorial Thread

[Slowhand]

This thread is dedicated to our friend and fellow poster, Outlander. When he passed away, we lost an integral part of the AN community and we still miss him greatly.

Outlander was a very kind, generous soul who never knew a stranger in the forums. He was always one of the first to greet new posters and always had a kind word for artists, poets, writers and anyone else trying their hand at something creative. He even encouraged non-creative people to participate and be more creative.

Whenever he attended conventions, he would make up “care packages” for many forum members (including artwork, t-shirts, stickers, programs, etc.). He loved to promote anime in all forms! In the same vein, he would also commission original artwork for forum members. And he would do all of this at his own expense.

As he traveled around the forums, he would encourage new posters to participate and helped them overcome their shyness. He also helped the rest of us get motivated to keep on posting and would get annoyed at inactivity.

Also known for his biting & acerbic humor, he could insult you and you were happier for it. He didn’t let much get by him and always commented on anything & everything. Sometimes, we even paid him back in kind and he was nice enough to go along with it. One of his delights was welcoming/initiating new Tanettes (female posters with 100 posts or more). He loved to tease all of “His Tanettes”.

He often expressed the great love for his wife and Corgi puppy and posted many pictures of them. He was a real-life banker and retired from that job in 2011. After he retired we thought that he’d be with us forever, but sadly that was not to be. Outlander passed away on May 1, 2014, leaving us to mourn for one of our best members and greatest friends.
Obituary Thread

Included in this thread are most of the threads started by Outlander, including “As the Mecha Turns”, an oftentimes hilarious “true story” of forum members. Also included are many of his “actual conversations” as well as musings about life in general.

Not included in this thread is his very own “TAN Magazine”. This has been left as-is for posterity.

So, take a stroll down Memory Lane. Or whenever you need a laugh (or cry), read through this thread or click on the links below in honor of Outlander.

###Included in this thread
My Own Private Thread
Outlander: A Report
My lustful ode to Slowhand
TAN Charity Drive
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum
Hey TAN, What’s for Dinner?
A Very Special Oprah Winfrey Show
The Scouts: Mild mannered social organization or evil cult?
Y helloz thar!
As the Mecha Turns
The TAN Newsdesk
Greetings from the Future!
The TAN New Year Bash
In der nordischen Sprache!
Approve/Disapprove
Help me!
Winter Olympic Sports I would watch
Anime Primal Scream
Samurai Lawyer
If I were in charge
Rub My Belly!
The Great Debate
Official Notice
Hentai, a physcological case study and treatment
Outlander’s Room of Retarded Tales
A salute to the TAN-ettes
Vote for me
TAN Gift Exchange
Ask Panty
Bank of Pain
For Outlander
Dear Spazzyspam: The little hairy men problem
News from Lady Of Wicca
TAN’s Anime E-Bay
Goodbye to all that now
Head Count
Harem Applications
AH! To be a Pirate!
Son of My Own Private Thread
Dear Outlander
TAN Late Night Radio Show
AAwwww,Soooo cuuute
Dear Santa, I’ve been good…
Congratulations, Forest, Newest TAN-ette
The “Eyes” have it TAN, (oh…wait… maybe not)
Zen and the Art of Cannibalism
Sex, Decadence and Drunken Stupor in Paradise
Dear Snowy Stampede
Skydemonwolf: Official TAN-ette
###Not included in this thread
Outlander was very prolific - these are the threads he posted in most often.

TAN Magazine

Brain Drain
Gals Opinions on Stuff 2: Censored Version
Gifs, gifs, & more gifs!
Have you ever been drunk while posting in this forum?
Holiday Thread
I work for The Anime Network. Ask me anything you want
Inspirational Posters
Ohayocon News & Notes
Psst! Slowhand!
Release the Kitties!
TAN Casting Call
That’s just right
That’s just wrong
Things to Ponder
Things You Didn’t Know You Wanted (Until Now)
This reminded me of you
What’s On Your Mind?

[Slowhand]

[size=16]My Own Private Thread[/size]

[quote=“outlander”]
This is My Own Private Thread. It’s mine, not yours. Not even Mods are allowed here. This is where I do my DEEP THINKING.

Get Out[/quote]
Originally posted: April 29, 2009 @ 11:45pm

[outlander]

Girl, Your Body Is Like A Metaphor!!

Hot damn, girl! You’re incredible.

Everything about you gives me koala feet. You don’t know koala feet? That’s when a koala gets so dumbstruck by something beautiful in nature like a rock or a boulder that he forgets how to tie his shoes. You’d make a koala rely on a zookeeper to tie his shoes for him, or maybe invest in some velcro sandals.

I’m not exaggerating. In fact, I’m just getting started.

You’re blushing… You don’t even know how fine you are, do you girl? That just makes you even hotter. It’s like you’re a retard that wandered into NASA mission control and some balding dude with a headset and a cigarette hanging out of his haggard genius mouth sat you down in front of a supercomputer and said “Go on, save the rocket”. You don’t know what the fuck is going on, and you aren’t even wearing regular underwear.

I like that. Yeah, you know I do.

If we were stranded together on some tropical paradise and we found a four-post bed with silk sheets and a can of whipped cream, I would give you half of the whipped cream. You’d probably have to sleep on the floor because I flail my arms about when the nightmares get bad, but you wouldn’t be able complain about the poor sleeping conditions. After all, I split the food with you, right? You wouldn’t even know how comfortable sleeping on the bed would be, and that would just make you even hotter.

Your skin is a gently rolling landscape, its surface a milky velvet delight. I want to spend a lazy afternoon traversing every millimeter of its surface with my fingertips, held in such a way as to make it look like my hand is skateboarding.

What gorgeous hair you’ve got. It’s like 100 ropes. When I smell it I become intoxicated, like I just used too much ammonia to clean up a poorly ventilated hospital bathroom. I could lose myself in your hair if it was big enough to make a maze. I’m horrible at those things, which is pretty much the only reason why I couldn’t become a professional hedge maze solver.

Your eyes are like sparkling diamonds in a sparkling stream and someone went nuts with a Bedazzler on all the tadpoles. When I look into those eyes, I am blinded to everything in the world but you, and that poster on your wall with the two girls kissing in black and white.

Girl, your brain weighs roughly three pounds.

Your legs are long like the line I waited in to see Star Wars: Episode One. I sat there for twelve hours without going to the bathroom, and the local news asked me a few questions live on the air. If he were to ask me about your legs, I’d have a lot of flattering things to say but I’d probably steer the conversation toward Star Wars.

Your breasts are like a slightly mismatched pair of oversized oranges. If I grasped them with my strong but tender hands and gave them a honk, the sweetest orange juice would drip out from every pore. I’m not being poetic, I genuinely believe that’s what would happen.

Your lips are a pair of pillowy security doors hiding a dangerous secret: Your teeth. Your teeth can bite and chew, but your lips can kiss and sometimes form words. Your whole mouth is a dichotomy. Think about it!

My absolute favorite thing about your body, though, is the nape of your neck. It’s like an NES cartridge. I could spend hours leaning in close, exhaling hot whispers of the games I want to play into its smooth hollow, and it wouldn’t have any effect whatsoever on you.

[outlander]

http://img25.imageshack.us/img25/2604/policeq.jpg

[size=16]The World’s Weirdest Laws[/size]

Every town, province, and country has its little-known laws that most of us would consider strange. From Urbana, Illinois banning monsters from entering city limits to Deerborn, Michigan declaring murder illegal, it seems as though any crazy law you can think of exists somewhere. All it takes to find the weirdest of the weird laws is a little digging.

Stockholm, Sweden - In an otherwise lawless society, one maxim governs the land: No fat chicks. Many have chalked this up to the Swedes’ quirky humor. This law, however, is quite serious, as is evident in the 1997 execution of six protesters affiliated with People For The Ethical Treatment Of Humongous Fat Asses.

Fecal Creek, Florida - Opening your eyes while engaged in a kiss is considered rape. Making any sort of physical contact with another person while the lights on is considered bank robbery. Committing either of the above acts on a Sunday is

Sausalito, California - Proponents of the “Three Strikes” law, voters approved a 2006 bill that makes striking out in a baseball game (professional or amateur) a felony. As a byline of the measure, it is also illegal to cry while on the field, dugout or locker room.

Madrid, Spain - Between 3:29 PM and 6:47 PM, no citizen may ask another what time it is.

Altoona, Pennsylvania - Any citizen caught in the act of passing a note will have it read aloud on the local news.

Iran (national law) - Though Iranian culture is primarily known for its unabashed fondness of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, when someone says “mecca” it is illegal to cut them off and blurt out “lekka hi mecca hiney ho!”

Branson, Missouri - Dogs cannot read, speak english, or grow to twelve times their original size when angered unless they have a permit.

Brisbane, Australia - You know how sometimes you’ll sit with one foot tucked under you, then try to stand up but find that it’s impossible to plant your foot because it’s completely numb? Completely against the law.

Kilkeel, Ireland - Fantasizing about consuming human flesh while eating non-human flesh is illegal. Eating human flesh, however, is perfectly fine.

Ottawa, Canada - Using science to inhibit another person’s sense of sight or blind them outright is strictly forbidden. This includes bringing an oversized microscope into a movie theater to block the screen.

Honolulu, Hawaii - No matter how strong the urge may be, no one can laugh when they see Jim. It’s not his fault. Don’t make him feel self-conscious. It’s not right.

(worldwide) - It is against international law to weave a motorcycle between lanes and pop wheelies without documentation proving your status as an attention-starved asshole.

Tokyo, Japan - All pornography must display both male and female genitalia as pixellated blobs. The use of CGI rendering to alter the splendor of the naturally blurry naked Japanese body is strictly forbidden.

Base Camp 1, Antarctica - Sheds, trees, and large decorations may not be added to one’s property until approval has been granted by the zoning department.

Paris, France - Killing a man in cold blood is a felony. Immediately after this was enacted, the number of physical altercations in Cold Blood Swimming Centers across the country plummeted.

Claremont, Colorado - If a police officer pulls your car over and you talk him into lending you $300, you must pay it back. Like, soon.

Tempe, Arizona - It is against the law to take peyote and go on a spiritual journey without being accompanied by a talking wolf or a silent, old native american.

Venice, Italy - Attempting to make small talk with your gondolier by saying “there’s certainly a lot of water on the road today” or anything remotely similar is punishable by death.

Liverpool, England - Telling a particularly racist joke (especially one that is divisive and has the potential to incite violence) in front of a crowd of people and forgetting the end just when it’s getting good is illegal.

Sao Paolo, Brazil - No roughhousing. Hey - you, in the back! I saw that.

[outlander]

Another Actual* conversation

Outlander: Slow - might invest in a haircut tomorrow
Slowhand: hell yeah
Outlander: seems to me hair is an untapped renewable resource
Slowhand: Outlander, haircuts are not good investments. they are worthless after a few weeks
Outlander: absolutely! might start cutting my own hair
Slowhand: good idea
Outlander: Slow! - business idea. “SelfCuts”, a haircut business where you go in and cut your own hair
Slowhand: hmm…a great idea
Outlander: not sure how it will make money. i guess maybe we will collect the hair and sell it
Slowhand: people will pay to use your scissors etc
Outlander: yes that is true,Slow, a scissor rental fee
Slowhand: yes,also they will pay to have people make smalltalk to them and to hold up the mirror to see the back at the end
Outlander: hmm… i think maybe we will just automate the process, like a carwash…for your head
Slowhand: hmm…but with razors
Outlander: yes
Slowhand: instead of sponges
Outlander: there will probably still be sponges at the end
Slowhand: i dont know if we can budget that in
Outlander: also maybe a big blower to dry the person off. on weekends it would be fun to maybe take the big blower out and point it at a dog
Slowhand: hehehehehe. that sounds like a lark, but no,that is not professional
Outlander: Slow! new business idea: wind tunnels for dogs!!!
Slowhand: hmmm…no Outlander,gonna veto this one
Outlander: why ?
Slowhand: no profit in it. dogs dont have money
Outlander: not everything has to be about money…
Slowhand: businesses generally do
Outlander: we can run it as a nonprofit
Slowhand: hmm… to launder money…from our illegal haircut operation
Outlander: Slow, there is nothing illegal about our haircut operation
Slowhand: then why do we need the dog tunnel?
Outlander: it is a wind tunnel for dogs. i don’t know why you would ask. people who don’t have cars,so their dogs can’t stick their heads out the car windows, will probably take their dogs to the dog wind tunnel
Slowhand: hmmm…Outlander, that is something i had not considered. i worry whether there is a market for it though.i mean, most people have cars
Outlander: not everyone,Slow,and that is where we will find our niche
Slowhand: i might open a competing service.i wont have the expense of the wind tunnel,i will just drop the dogs face down from the top of a tower
Outlander: well,Slow,i am not happy about the betrayal so i welcome the challenge.the free market will sort this out
Slowhand: very well

• when I say actual, I mean I made it up

[outlander]

Teh Mrs. O is the household bookkeeper. She screwed up the mortgage payment, paying it twice. I have no choice but to fire her, so I need a new wife…

POSITION OPEN:
Fabulous boss/husband has immediate opening for wife. Candidates must have accounting degree and hot body. Should have experience in being wife, but will train entry-level novice if haz red hair. Applicant must be proficient at making sammiches and being sex-toy. Must be willing to learn new positions. Salary and benefits. plus penis

http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/6721/office.jpg

[outlander]

My Theory on Gravity

If items of mass one any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that’s just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it’s not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn’t the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.

[outlander]

Another Actual* Conversation,

Interrogating a Dog

Outlander: Slow, I’m going to waterboard a dog
Slowhand: DO NOT WATERBOARD THAT DOG
Livestock: I’M GOING TO WATERBOARD A DOG,SLOW
Slowhand: Don’t!!
Outlander: Slow, THE TOWEL IS OVER THE DOG’S HEAD! I’VE GOT HIS WATER BOWL
Slowhand: OUTLANDER… STOP! STOP WATERBOARDING THAT DOG
Outlander: I AM POURING THE WATER BOWL ON THE DOG’S HEAD
Slowhand: STOP IT RIGHT NOW
Outlander: SLOW, HE IS REVEALING SECRETS
Livestock: BONES BURIED… IN THE…BACKYARD
Livestock: GUILTY!HE IS GUILTY
Slowhand: NO OUTLANDER
Outlander: Slow, justice is served
Slowhand: you are going to jail for this
Outlander: I am using advanced interrogation techniques on an otter
Slowhand: Outlander, what kind of techniques…do you mean TORTURE?
Outlander: I am simply going to electrocute it slowly
Slowhand: NO OUTLANDER,DO NOT ELECTROCUTE THAT OTTER
Outlander: IT IS FOR AMERICA!!
Slowhand: NO ! NOooooo…
Outlander: justice is served
Slowhand: you’re a fool

[Slowhand]

I’m very glad you’re back.

[outlander]

Things Are Looking Up For Me Now That I Have This Chainsaw

Honestly, I don’t know how I got by without this chainsaw. Now that the throaty purr of a two-stroke engine spinning seventy inches of diamond-sharpened chain has become my solution to every problem in my day-to-day routine, my life has drastically improved.

For instance, I’m enjoying a romantic dinner with teh waifu. I’m in my tux, she’s in one of those playboy bunny outfits. Things are going well. When I pull a chair out for her, she notices that my muscles are only exerting half their potential power and swoons. I make her laugh deeply with my captivating tales of instant messaging with Tommy Two Tacos. The boat oars, traffic signs, and whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant’s walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming.

Then, the unthinkable.

Our waiter brings me a Shirley Temple after I specifically asked for a Roy Rogers. I politely point out his mistake, and he responds in a rude manner, sullying my honor in front of a lady. This cannot stand.

I lean over and remove the chainsaw from its carrying case below my chair. Our waiter backs off nervously, looking back over his shoulder. There, by the entrance to the kitchen is his own chainsaw. It is an inferior make and model. Knowing he has been outclassed, he tells us that our drinks are on the house.

Game, set, match.

[outlander]

Dear Flurge Body Foam,

As a new user of your product, I have to say I am very displeased and currently writing to inform you of this fact. Because the Rite-Aid was out of my regular soap, I decided to pick up a tube of your Cool Ranch-scented body foam, as my wife and I regularly enjoy your prime-time commercials during Dancing With the Stars. Our favorite is the one with the two golfers, where the one golfer smells the other golfer and asks him “Did you wash with Flurge Body Foam today?” Following this, a herd of attractive women suddenly appears on the neatly-manicured fairway and roughs up the one golfer sexually. Then the announcer man says, “Flurge: get Flurged” and the commercial ends.

Yes, we all had a chuckle at these antics. But when a very similar herd of girls appeared this morning and surrounded my car, I failed to see the humor of this event. These girls, while attractive, could not be reasoned with. I sat terrified in my Geo for nearly two and a half hours while they pressed all manner of body parts against the windshield. I was finally able to distract them by honking my horn for two solid minutes, and while they dispersed, it seems like they have not gone far.

Gentlemen, I am a pillar of my community and the owner of several successful hardware stores. While your product does work as advertised, the side effects are highly distracting and I demand to be refunded my $3.85 in full. I hope you will respect my wishes as a fellow businessman.

Yours,

Outlander

---

Dear Outlander,

We are sorry to hear about your issues with Flurge Body Foam: Cool Ranch Special Edition. We at United Chemical Industries, Inc. are sincerely sorry for your discomfort. Enclosed you will find three free samples of our new Flurge Zesty Taco Hair Cream.

Have a great day, and remember to Get Flurged!

Sincerely,
Consumer Response-Bot #4455878

[outlander]

NEWS FROM OUTLANDER’S INSTITUTE OF ANIME SCIENCE

• Time travel is indeed possible. The method: Think about that Superman movie, the part where he flies around the world backwards until time rewinds. Boom. That reference is more than twenty years old. Welcome to the past, asshole.

• String Theory was totally wrong. There’s no such thing as string.

• We all know that if you place tin foil in a microwave, it will erupt in a shower of sparks. If, however, you wrap a microwave in several layers of tin foil, it will be pretty much impossible to work the buttons.

• There is an afterlife. It is rectangular. There’s an olympic-sized swimming pool, and not much else. The only seating comes in the form of backless stools that are just a little too tall with footrests that are just out of reach. The music is every Billy Joel song that you found tolerable, but never admitted to enjoying.

• The last digit of pi isn’t actually a number, but one of those little infinity loop things.

• In a battle of the wits, Batman would defeat Einstein. The advantage would go to Einstein in the early rounds, but Batman would outsmart him with a devastating punch to the throat.

• The briefcase in Pulp Fiction? Full of orange juice. The awed expressions were reactions to the fact that it hadn’t leaked.

• Scientifically speaking, the best baked good is the funnel cake.

• About the origin of the universe - the Big Bang theory was right, up to a point. The massive explosion of all known matter scared the bejeezus out of a dinosaur, causing him to drop a beaker full of DNA, which in turn created the first single-celled organisms. Life always finds a way.

• Lee Harvey Oswald did it. By “it” I mean “picked the worst possible day to take a break, walk to the sixth floor of the book depository, and fire a rifle four times out the window with his eyes closed”.

• There has been a lot of debate about what constitutes art. Now we have conclusive proof. Art is any movie that has been seen by ten million people or more on the opening weekend. Nothing else is art.

• Electricity isn’t exactly what we thought it was. Turns out, it’s a harmless mineral that goes by the name of Sammy. Everyone that died of electrocution? Hypochondria.

• Since we first discovered them, black holes have fascinated us. What the heck are they? Why are they so loud? Can’t someone go tell them to keep it down? What do they taste like? Do you think he was looking at me? Do you think he likes me? We switched bodies? And we’re identical twins? What sort of hijinx will result from our unlikely situation?

• Science says: Just as black isn’t the opposite of white, but the absence of it, black holes are the absence of other holes such as the one that encompasses the observable universe.

• Parallel universes do, in fact, exist. In them, parking is way harder.

• There have been more than a few questions surrounding the lowly quark. After analyzing the data, the Large Hadron Collider has revealed that “quark” is kind of a funny name. Case closed.

• It is absolutely possible to travel faster than the speed of light, just not at your weight. Do some pushups and we’ll talk.

• The disbelievers were right about global warming. It is just a theory, and it is way more fun to fantasize about people in ivory towers trying to control your life than it is to conserve.

• Although we have long understood the importance of the human brain (since a Greek medicinal pioneer cut off his own head and observed that he couldn’t move around in quite the same way), we really had no clue how it all worked or what it was capable of.

• According to these LHC results, the brain is essentially a second appendix. It’s capable of bursting at any time.

• Ghosts are real, just not human ones.

• When someone on one of those ghost hunting shows asks for a spirit to reveal itself and in return they hear tapping, it is a dead horse. A smart one, the kind that stamps its hoof when you give it a math problem. When the ghost hunter asks for something to move in front of their handheld scanning device and the thing lights up, it’s because the spirit of an electric eel passes by. When you sleep, the a ghost tarantula vomits in your mouth.

• Why do so many strange things happen in the Bermuda Triangle? Because it’s actually a square. People keep misjudging its borders so just when they think they’re safe - poof - they vanish.

• Given the number of long-standing questions that have finally been answered by the Large Hadron Collider, it will take some time for the scientific community to take all of this in and re-evaluate their wasted lives. With any luck, they should be ready for more next year when the LHC plans to double the collision energy that was used this week. As I learned in high school, double the energy equals almost ten times the output.

[Slowhand]

[size=16]Outlander: A Report[/size]

[quote=“outlander”]
Outlander: Mild Mannered and Responsible or Disturbed menace to Society?

Actual things I witnessed about Outlander.

I swear I’m not making this up! Seriously, this is for real. I’m telling you this is 100% legit. You gotta believe me, mister.[/quote]
Originally posted: May 1, 2009 @ 12:09am

[outlander]

4/28/09: Crazy Outlander was riding horseback at the dog park. He was spearing dogs with a trident, much to the horror of onlookers. So brash and unrepentant, he took great pleasure in the pain he inflicted. I begrudge that man’s remarkable evil.

04/29/09 (12:00am): Was minding my own business doing some shopping in the mall when Outlander approached me and started demanding I pay him $30 for a foot massage. I said I didn’t want one but then he threatened my family. The nerve of that man. His hands were like robot claws.

[outlander]

4/29/09: Saw him buying a hot dog in downtown. Asked him how he liked his dogs and he said “with sulfur.” Dude had a little sandwich baggy full of the stuff and just poured it all over his hot dog. Smelled like rotting eggs.

Ran into Outlander outside at a gas station. He took one look at me and his eyes lit up real big like He just saw a ghost made out of gold. Within seconds he was offering me 25 big ones for a kidney. I couldn’t refuse. Woke up a few hours later in a bathtub full of ice in an abandoned warehouse. Still waiting for the money, but I’m sure it’s coming.

[outlander]

04/30/09: Darn you, Outlander! Saw that son of a gun uprootin’ turnips in my field again. Knowing his thieving ways, I grabbed my shotgun and gave chase. Spirit abounds in the boy’s heart and legs, so free and unrestrained. I can’t ever catch him!

05/01/09: Spotted Outlander at a certain posh restaurant. He had a peculiar habit of eating with his hands – no utensils. He just smashed up his food and shoveled it into his mouth like a beast. Grunted and growled the whole time.

[Prede]

@outlander

4/28/09: Crazy Outlander was riding horseback at the dog park. He was spearing dogs with a trident, much to the horror of onlookers. So brash and unrepentant, he took great pleasure in the pain he inflicted. I begrudge that man’s remarkable evil.

I believe this one, and I even have a picture to prove it.

[dragoon]

Why, Thank you Outlander for sharing these insights about yourself!

[Haissan]

looks like there were some errors outlander…

[Prede]

[quote=dragoon]
Why, Thank you Outlander for sharing these insights about yourself! [/quote]

LoL you used your mod magic in this post! Do you have to say “abra kadabra” or some other magic words to make it work .