Outlander, you never cease to amazing how you always have a picture for everything and know exactly what to say, lol.
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Snowy Stampede: My Life as an Anime Wizard"
So I was reading TAN Forums magazine and I came across this advertisement by Rai
âBe an Anime Wizardâ
I was intrigued. I sent the required ten dollars to him. Soon I received a package with a magic wand and a training book. The wand looked remarkably like an ordinary tree limb. It was explained that it was a disguise to fool the general public.
After I read the first chapter and practiced the basic magic, it looked a lot like pig-Latin, I was ready to try out my new powers. According to the book, I should start small with little things, Rai said in this book the first thing I should try is the traffic light. I stood on the corner and pointed my wand at the light and uttered a magic phrase. I had to do this for several seconds, but success!! The light changed color!
WOW! This really works. I can just feel the power.
According to Raiâs manual, the next thing to try my new powers on was the sun itself. I was instructed to climb a small hill in the very late afternoon, point my wand at the sun and recite this magic incantation
âErethayâsay oneway ornbay everyway inutemayâ**
It took a few hours, probably because the sun is much larger than the traffic light, but, low and behold, the sun began to descend past the horizon and disappeared.
I Have power over the planets and stars!!! Awesome!
I must try this out on people. Per Rai, I took a position in front of my house and waved my wand at the street. I imagined a man driving a grey car down this street. Imposing my psychic powers over people is difficult; I think it is because I am a new wizard. It took most of the day but a gray car did appear. I am an all-powerful anime wizard! I immediately sent Rai $30.00 (plus shipping and handling) to acquire a magic hat that will enhance my powers according to the advertisement.
I can hardly wait for it to get here. I will use my powers for good, like helping Froggy with her breast size
Snowy Stampede,all powerful Wizard
**pig latin( try to translate)
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A boy waving his wand at things. Itâs just so wrong moving.
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Hey, hey, hey, there now. Keep Snowyâs wand and Raiâs weird Tom Selleck school of magic away from my girls.
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Remind me to stay away from this guy, I donât want him to cast a spell on me or anything.
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She really needs to see a doctor about that. :blink:
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Froggyâs revenge??? :laugh:
Great story! I canât wait to see what happens when Snowy gets his hat! Iâm also getting a Full Monty vibe here. Hey Snowy! Will you leave your (magic) hat on? 
:woohoo:
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Rattlesnakes in My Panties and Coyotes Ate My Cat: My life on the Texas Plains by Slowhand
Hi Yâall. There are about 300 anime cons in my home of Texas, but Iâve never been to one. You, however, may visit one someday, so I thought I would give you a description of my home state before you get here.
We have some particular critters here. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. It might seem to you that Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple no oneâs seen before. There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
I always find rattlesnakes taking up residence in my panty drawer, sometimes right in my panties. This used to bother me, but not anymore. Well heck, Iâve come to enjoy wearing rattlesnake infested panties. Itâs like tentacle rape but with the added feature of a vibrating tail. Fabulous. Yeah, sometimes they bite, but I consider that as rough sex.
Speaking of critters, I want to share the sad tale of Chester, my late lamented cat. Feeling his oats shortly after I moved beyond the city limits, he ventured out into the yard one day and never returned
He ventured into the land belonged to the coyotes, and we â man and cat â had invaded their ancestral space. Walk into their woods, it seems, and you deserve to get added to their bill of fare.
While youâre at the annie-may convention, dress appropriately. We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas. When in town donât be surprised to learn that you can find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
Texas cuisine and culture is a little different for you Yankees. Donât be worried that you canât understand anyone. They canât understand you either. Be advised theâ He needed Killinââ is a valid defense here.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when youâre two. We do like a little tea with our sugar! There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup. A carbonated soft drink isnât a soda, cola or pop . . . itâs a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: âWhat kinda coke you want?â Fried catfish is the other white meat.
So welcome everyone if youâre fixnâ to go to the convention send me a poster of Chuck Norris, or a horse
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[size=2]I did too go to a convention once. 
[/size]
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[quote=âoutlanderâ]
Fried catfish is the other white meat.[/quote]
Had that for dinner.
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[quote=âoutlanderâ]
There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.[/quote]
Having lived in Texas myself, I know for a fact this list is incomplete. You forgot picante sauce. I had a friend down there that drank Pace picante sauce right from the jar-of course, he was from Houston!
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Lived in Texas for a good chunk of my life myself, and in all honesty, I prefer it to where I live now, the only thing I would miss is the snow and the cool autumn air.
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Yup, that does sound a lot like Slowhand! :whistle:
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x
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You know you want to come back. I think youâre just enjoying the attention. :whistle:
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[size=16]Justice lolis[/size]
âFighting the pedobears of today so you donât have to tomorrowâ
Yes We, the Justice Lolis are here to protect you. But here is a guide to help you protect yourselves when we are not here.
Weapons
⢠The most easily concealed weapon ever devised is the mallet, but they can only be operated effectively by angry women. If you are a woman, make sure youâre equipped. If youâre a man, watch your back, and your hands.
⢠A Katana can cut through absolutely anything in the hands of a ninja or samurai, including people, rock, and metal power armor. The only things invulnerable to the âcool slashâ are heroes and other Katanaâbe one or have one.
⢠Itâs easier to build any super weapon in the shape of the human body; treads, turrets, or large size are usually only a hindrance. Corollary: the bigger it is, the easier it falls.
⢠Further, the most powerful super weapons are always shaped like attractive young women. Respect may save your life.
Fighting
⢠Good is higher on the electromagnetic spectrum than evil. Therefore, the good guy always glows blue, and heâll win in the end because he emits more energy. If the bad guy is glowing blue, youâre in it deep.
⢠95% of all women have the strength to lift cars, boulders, and 10 ton mallets, but only if theyâre very angry and about to drop the weight on the head of a lecherous man. Plan accordingly.
⢠Conversely, the human body can rapidly recover from falls from great height, massive concussions, and punches that would destroy a brick wall, but only if the damage was inflicted by a woman in a fit of rage. This has lead to the postulate that âangry woman damageâ falls into the same category of âvirtual damageâ that applies to anything that hits a main character in a climactic fight before he/she deals his/her big, final, special move.
⢠Two small white bandages in the shape of an âXâ is sufficient treatment for many severe injuries. Make sure your first-aid kit includes some.
⢠The majority of more serious injuries can be treated by wrapping a bandage around the upper arm, or the upper body in particularly extreme cases. Sterilization, stitches, and antibiotics are useless, so in a pinch a handkerchief or piece of clothing are good substitutes for hospital care.
⢠Severely injured women never have any visible injuries beyond a scuff on the forehead; severely injured men can be missing arms, legs, or heads.
⢠Never, ever mess with the two-and-a-half-foot-tall old guy.
⢠The dumber he seems, the luckier he is in battle.
⢠If somebody tells you a goofy-looking guy is the most dangerous swordsman/gunslinger/mage/warrior who ever lived, donât even think about itâtheyâre probably right.
⢠If somebody tells you the same about a cute girl, theyâre definitely right.
⢠The size of the shoulder plates on armor is directly proportional to how powerful the wearer is. Take note before picking a fight.
Heroes
⢠Clueless people under the age of 21 are always the best people to have in charge of space fleets, armies, or saving the world from demons. If youâre not one yourself, hire one.
⢠It is impossible for anyone over the age of 20 to do anything important, other than train the hero or die dramatically. Usually both.
⢠High school students who do well in classes rarely get the girl, or save the universe. There is hope.
⢠If you are fat, you are not the hero.
⢠If somebody tells you that youâre the only one capable of saving the world, donât bother arguing or trying to weasel out of it; theyâre right and youâll just end up doing it anyway.
⢠If youâre a warrior who only wants to retire and raise a family, you never will.
Bad Guys
⢠Hideous, tentacled demons are always evil. Stoic, handsome demons are usually worse.
⢠Guys with squinty eyes are always evil, as are quiet guys with glasses.
⢠If sheâs got lips, sheâs bad.
⢠Beware adolescent geniuses: Their most likely career choice is evil genius, not computer programmer or scientist (unless itâs mad scientist).
⢠Never, ever have a dramatic change of heart; you will die.
Everyone Else
⢠A socially well-adjusted scientist is an oxymoron.
⢠There are no 30 year old womenâpeople jump directly from college to late middle age without warning.
⢠Disneyâs Law: Unless theyâre freaks, demons, or on a permanent business trip, one or more of your parents is dead.
⢠In particular, if you are a teenager, both of your parents are either on an extended business trip, or dead.
Paranormal Beings
⢠All demons find humankind and its civilization disgusting, but are attracted to human women.
⢠If you come from another plane of existence, youâre almost certainly very, very bad, and more than likely very ugly.
⢠Most inhabitants of other planes are ugly and male. Most inhabitants of other planets are attractive and female
.
⢠Roddenberryâs Law: 95% of all alien species look almost exactly like humans, but are more attractive on average.
⢠Women from other worlds are always attracted to meek, average high school students. If there are multiple extraterrestrial women in the same place, they will always like the same one.
⢠The surest way to encounter a woman from outer space or another dimension is to be alone, male, and late going to or returning from school. This is also the surest way to be attacked by something nasty, so be careful.
⢠If you have amnesia or canât clearly remember your childhood, you are either an alien, some sort of extra dimensional being, or a god. If youâre absolutely sure that youâre just a normal girl/boy, youâre almost certainly not.
Romance
⢠If youâre a male main character, your luck with women is inversely proportional to the luck you want to have with women. Donât want, and you will get.
⢠Girls blush, guys get a nosebleed.
⢠If youâre a female main character, the amount of attraction you feel for a man is directly proportional to the number of other women who feel the same way. Desire loves company.
⢠If youâre a man, you will always be initially attracted to tall, glamorous, busty women, but your true love is usually cuter and shorter.
⢠If youâre a man and there is no romantic competition for the woman of your dreams, sheâs obsessed with some sort of machinery.
⢠If he seems too cool to have a girlfriend, he probably is. Donât waste your time.
⢠The deeper a young manâs voice is, the more attractive and self centered he is.
⢠1st Rule of Shoujo: the more attractive a man is to women, the more heâll look like a woman himself.
⢠2nd Rule of Shoujo: If heâs hot, heâs gay.
⢠3rd Rule of Shoujo: Fangirls dig the pale, skinny guy
Inexplicable Things
⢠Everything important centers on Tokyo, particularly extraterrestrial or demonic invasions.
⢠Further, Shinjuku is the absolute center of the universe. Why remains a mystery.
Armed with these valuable pieces of knowledge, you will hopefully find your next encounter with girls from outer space, paranormal high schoolers, or effeminate men safer and more productive.
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Thank goodness I already knew a lot of these, and that I didnât have to learn a lot. :whistle:
These are all so true! The world can be so complicated at times⌠these extraterrestrial women are driving me crazy! :laugh: These are two points that I have always gotten a kick out of asking myself tooâŚ
[quote=outlander]
⢠Everything important centers on Tokyo, particularly extraterrestrial or demonic invasions.
⢠Further, Shinjuku is the absolute center of the universe. Why remains a mystery.[/quote]
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[quote=âoutlanderâ]
⢠Good is higher on the electromagnetic spectrum than evil. Therefore, the good guy always glows blue, and heâll win in the end because he emits more energy. If the bad guy is glowing blue, youâre in it deep.[/quote]
BOO!
[quote=âoutlanderâ]
⢠Guys with squinty eyes are always evil, as are quiet guys with glasses.[/quote]
The quiet guys with glasses are normally plotting something, thereâs a reason theyâre quiet after all. I should know. Wait a minuteâŚ
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Ha! You just gave yourself away miquelfire! :laugh: Now, I just wonder what you are plottingâŚ
You really wrapped it up nicely, outlander. Your powers of deduction never cease to amaze me! 
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